XOXO

CNY 2012

2012-01-27T00:34:00.002+08:00

21st Jan'12, Saturday.

Have reunion dinner with my girls! It's been a super duper wuper long time since the five of us(Cass, Hwee, Nanny, Jieen&Me) met up together! I suggested this idea though aha, lucky nothing went wrong! We gathered at Bugis to have steamboat! But Hwee had to go off early to meet her boyfriend. While the 4 of us headed over bugis street to do some super last minute shopping. Train-ed back about 11pm ^^ Though it's just a short meet up, but I'm happy! Hopefully we get to do this more often, need to plan!

Eve of CNY!

Supposed to be having Reunion dinner with my another uncle at mum's place, but he last minute got work so can't make it. So we had steamboat among ourselves, dad, mum, sis, Kayven and I! Finished eating, rested awhile and daddy and I had to prepare to go work! Headed to work at 10pm, reached at 11pm. I was slightly late! I still thought will got people and Kelvin will scold me, but end up no people at all! Rotted till 12.30am then got people zzz. Work ended at 4am and I headed to planet paradise with a group of friends. First time there and witness 2 fights lol, not fun at all. There closed at 530am though.

First day of CNY!

Love the top I'm wearing! It's actually the top I bought from last min shopping on Saturday. Hehe. Pretty right! Anyway, I didn't spend the first day of cny with my family like the rest of the other years. Ever since my maternal grandmother passed away, first day we usually just stay home. Like poor thing only, so yup I decided to go bainian with my friend! But only collected about 60$ worth of red packets in that 3 hours. Went back and supposed to nap for 1h only, as we're heading to other place to bainian but we ended up sleeping all the way till at night 10pm. Ahaha power. I've to rush to work cuz it starts at 11pm and my friend headed to that place. Work was boring too because there's no familiar faces :( Didn't go anywhere after work too. But we waited for cab at clarke quay for 1h! wa longest wait for taxi ever seriously. Reached home about 6am! Mad tired

2nd day of CNY!
Woke up in the late noon and nua-ed at home. Headed out to Cass' place about 6pm. Kinda awkward there initially cuz the people there are her paternal relatives, don't really know them. But they went off quite early, I think 8+. But they gave Kayven angbao! He so cute leh, this year smart already, know angbao inside got money. He know how to talk from people and give to me/my mum. Ahaha so cute ^^ Anyway, so only left me, my sis, mum and Kayven. We ate abit there and gambled. Played blackjack with Cass and my sis, cb lose 14$ to them. Be dealer not good! Cass' mum friends came over for mahjong session about 9+, so mum&sis bring Kayven back Pasir Ris first. First round of mj lost 12$, second round of 3 ka mj lose 15$ :( Suay ah, this year CNY lose money. Anyway, ZW came over and send me over sembawang to join the rest of them after 2nd rounf of mj. Reached about 2.30am. Played blackjack, thai poker and in between there. Left at 630am, I swear time pass very fast very we're playing. But lucky I never win, never lose. Super tired tho, reached home about 7am!

3rd day of CNY
Work resumed! But I overslept. I did wake up when the alarm rang at 11am, but I think I off it when I was half asleep. And woke up again at 3+pm, realising that I'm in shit cuz I never go work and never tell my boss. But I fall back asleep anyway, and wake up only at 5/6+pm. Still feeling tired though. Kelvin asked me to work, but being too tired, I rejected. I even rejected everybody asking me to go powerhouse ok! Slept at 11pm because really bth, my phone just kena spam by calls and texts only. lol

Nothing special for my CNY though. I didn't even intend to celebrate it. I went shopping for clothes was just an excuse, because CNY so need to go. But I very long ago already wanted to go shopping! So yup, me and my excuses. Aha. But CNY still have 10 days, still can gamble(got excuses) hehe HUAT AH!

15th Month

2012-01-18T00:09:00.000+08:00

15th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml FM on demand.
Have 4 upper teeth, 4th bottom tooth coming out.
Don't like to walk when we're outside, keep want carry. But at home/stay at one place, will keep running about
Knows new words
Knows how to put back things or take things to us when we tell him too
Still hate the shower thingy, everytime cry. But like to play inside water.
Still prefer to stick to ahma more.

2012-01-17T04:09:00.002+08:00

sit's been 2 weeks since i started working day job, which until now, i still havent gotten the hang of sleeping and waking up early. everyday after work, when im back home, i'll start packing things up. i dont know why i just cant seem to stand how messy everything is in here, even in the drawers and cupboard. i feel like a maid helping somebody's else house doing spring cleaning even though i did it willingly. i dont expect a thank you from my mum about doing all this, but i didnt expected to get scolding either. urgh fuck it.

anyhow, its also been 2 weels since i left that place. i went back to see my loverboy when i ended work, as well as packing things up in, or at least, used to be my wardrobe. he started talking to him when i was done about 1230am. we chaated/argued/whatever for 2 hours. which caused me to flare up again because we wasnt really talking. all he was doing was to point up all my mistakes, my faults and put the blame everything on me. even though he claimed that he wasnt trying to do so, but just talking logic to me. i certainly dont feel so. my motive going there was just to see kayven and pack things up, not talking to him and getting my blood boiled up again. but without fail, he've to agitate me everytime he sees me. fuck his life seriously. cab back home full of anger, that he've wasted my time and money. but he called again, and we argued again. but at least we, or at least, he came up with a solution about kayven's living between us now.

we decided that kayven will be staying at our own respective house for a week each alternatively, starting from chinese new year. i dont know if this is the best idea, but it's better than us constantly arguing about kayven lives with who. anyway, i'll have the first week first and it continues from there. i supposed this will be the arrangement till we know kayven custody belongs to who legally. that fag did asked me to go back there just now, but im so determined that i wont. the 9 reasons i've posted on my previous entry is just other reasons why i dont want to go back there and have a divorce with him. the main reason is still because i dont love him anymore, and i cant possibly stay with a person who i've no feelings to forever, till the day any one of us dies first. i've already tolerated enough from him there, even though he said that he've changed to the better and soon, he'll have a job and he'll have money. but the problem is still, that i dont even like him a single bit now, it's all the hatred building inside. and liking him back is impossible, im sure of my own feelings.

maybe, just maybe, one day i'd like to go back try everything one more time. but it'd be too late, and i would regret this choice i've made. sometimes i did thought of just going back there and try for this last time, but my stubborness is not allowing me to do so. i know that things will get better soon, and it was the long waited day that i wanted, i used to want it but not anymore. people change, so do i. im no longer that little naive girl anymore to believe everything you've said. im sick and tired of waiting. it's never about whether you'd change, or have a job and have money anymore. it's about how i feel towards you, towards this marriage, this family. it's nothing but an empty shell.

2012-01-12T03:04:00.002+08:00

It's not supposed to hurt anymore, but somehow, it still pricks me a little inside. Perhaps it's because he gave me hope that, just maybe, we could be back like before. He gave me so much hope, even though that I knew it was temporary and I didn't feel the same I did 3 years ago. But somehow, I love that familiar feeling we shared, that comfort when he's around. I thought he actually cared like how he proclaimed. But AGAIN, things went wrong. It felt perfect just days ago, but he seemed to have his girlfriend back. I don't know if it's because she's pregnant, or that he really loved her. I got kinda disappointed, I really have no idea why I even feel like that. I thought I got used to this pain, this distance between us, this past relationship that's never gonna revive again. I almost let him go, but whenever I see him, things get back to square one. I guess my heart just soften the moment I set my eyes on him. It ain't anger that I'm feeling at all right now, even though SHE said it ALOUD in front of my ears, that she wouldn't ever go back to him again. It's the disappointment. Perhaps there's many other things going on that I've no clue about, but it's not fair to me. He come and go whenever he like, at least the other times, he gave me explanations. Yet this time round, he just leave silently. Not even a single text. People say "Goodbye are the ones unsaid", and yes, it's so godamn true because I'm in this situation now. I don't really want him back, I just love the feeling when I'm with him because it's like being in my comfort zone. Which I know I've lost it. It's rather upsetting.. But I know I've to let go this burden that's weighing down on me for a long time. It's hard, but it's all for the good.

I can't blame my mother at times because I've never communicated well with her. She's been always siding outsiders rather than me because all she hear, was a one-sided story from them. She's never heard mine, and she'll come screaming at me. It wasn't because she didn't take the time to listen to me, but I just never explained. I've never explained all my doings to anybody before, because I find that completely pointless. They will just think I'm finding excuses to get out of the mess I've gotten into, and still blame me otherwise. So, for these past years, I've been keeping my mouth shut. Neither do I know how to communicate to adults like how I do with my friends, it just seems weird y'know? It's like, even if I tell her, she won't understand. Perhaps I grew up with this mentality, that's why our relationship hasn't been good. It's not entirely my fault right? Anyway.. Initially, my mum thought I wanted a divorce was because I wanted to go back to my ex flame and get married to him. Like HELLO?! This logic is totally RIDICULOUS. Where did she even get the idea from seriously. I can't help but get mad everytime I recalled the time she said it. And uh, she read my previous post about why I got mad that day, then she said that "don't everytime quarrel then out of anger say divorce". This clearly shows that she doesn't understands me at all. I want a divorce NOT because just of that incident, I wanted it a long time ago. Ever since I started giving up on our marriage because all I saw was a totally useless man in my life, depending on me to feed him and take care of our son. It's like, what's the point of getting married when I'm acting like a single mother? In what way did I ever get treated as a wife? I don't even have a proper wedding, nor a photoshoot which he promised. I know it can't be blamed since our marriage was yup, a shotgun marriage and everything was too rush. But still, I don't feel fair. Why others can have it, why I don't? It's not like they have no money, they just don't want to fork out so much. My mum, dad and godmum told me things that I don't remember saying to them. That pregnancy really made my memory super duper poor to the extend that I can't even remember if I've washed my face/brush my teeth, when I've done it just a few minutes ago. I'm not exaggerating, it's true. Anyway, I don't know if I really loved him that much or purely of the intention of keeping my son to me when I told them I wanted to get married. I really cannot remember okay. But I guess it doesn't matter now. On that day, my mum screaming at me asking "does he whacks you all the time? NO. does he hurls vulgar at you? NO" I wanted to scream at her back, "no he doesn't whacks me, BUT he hurls vulgar at me all the time, and only acted like a perfect hushand in front of your eyes" Like seriously, there's so much that she didn't know about yet she puts ALL the blame on me. Yes, I'm the worse woman, worse mother, ok happy?

The reasons of why I want to have a divorce is quite simple actually if people don't look it complicatedly.

I cannot stand the way he wants to have sex with me everytime we're on the bed.
I cannot stand the way he insults me whenever he doesn't get what he wants.
I cannot stand the way he talks to me at times, which I've been telling him ever since we were dating.
I cannot stand the way he treats his computer games more importantly than his own. (e.g. DOTA)
I cannot stand the way the way we argue about minor things.
I cannot stand the way he treats me as his ATM even though he claimed he will return ONE DAY.
I cannot stand the way he steal my money, and pretending innocent the next day when I asked him. (I'm not accusing him on this, I saw it with my OWN eyes)
I cannot stand the way he touched, or should I say molest me when I'm sleeping(half sleeping actually), because I felt it and I know it.
We disagree of each other ways of taking care of our son. (e.g. he prefers Kayven being clean than Kayven being full)

That's all I can think of now. But this 9 reasons are enough I guess. There's really so much drama going on in my life. Yet everytime I go to work, I've to pretend like I'm a cheerful 18 year old girl with no stress in her life. I put up fake smiles and laughters. I drink to forget about those shit that's happening. I get myself high so all I could think about is heading where next to have a second round of drink. I did all kinds of stupid things to get rid of all the unhappiness I have inside, which clearly wasn't good for me at all. I went ahead, because I was on the verge of going crazy and I've no idea how am I going to cope with all of that. I don't really like getting drunk because I'd cry, I'd make a scene, I'd say things that I kept inside and I'd sometimes even try suciding which always fail. That's why I prefer just getting high, wanting to drink more and dance. Most importantly, still sober and knowing what I'm saying and doing. I'm not that dumb to really get dead drunk and land up somewhere I've no idea, next to an unknown/new guy I've known in the club, the next morning. I know my limits so I don't see why THEY need to even worry. Perhaps they just don't trust me or something, I don't know..

To my mum: Have you ever asked why do we(sis&I) feel unhappy in this home? Perhaps you did when we were younger, but did you tried asking again recently during the past 2 years? No, you didn't. Representing my sister as well, I'll say it here. Because we don't feel love and comfort in here. I know nagging is how you express your love and concern, but we get frustrated when it's nonstop everyday. Do you know how much we used to want to have our OWN room, a room which we can decorate it the way we want that we'll feel comfortable in? Which now, is still under my sister's wish of having one. As well as having a home where it feels like one, and not a storeroom? I'm sure you've been to your friend's place and envied how beautiful their home are. Then why are you not making an effort to make YOUR place beautiful too? Everything here is either too old, too messy etc. People who drops by certainly feel that it doesn't feel like a home too. Everything just seem so out of place. I don't know how to describe it, just compared ours to neighbours and you'll know it. And ever since the tenants arrived, everything seemed to get worse. More things coming out, making it MORE likea storeroom instead of a house. Why bother keeping things that we doesn't use it anymore or too old? Why didn't you discuss about having tenants with dad? It's not fair for him AT ALL. Then where does he sleeps? Even though he doesn't comes home often, but he still does, it's not like he completely moved out or what. Doing this, you're just showing him how unwelcome he is here. Do you think he likes this arrangement? Do you think he likes sleeping at the living room which super uncomfortable mattress? No, I don't think so at all. I feel really unfair for him. As for sis, she's growing up too. Why don't you let her have her own desired room? She can't possibly sleep with you till she gets married and move out right? She's 18 this year, she needs privacy too. Everybody needs it.

To my dad: I'm sorry I made you feel that you're sucha failure to me as a father. Even if you don't say it to me, I somehow just feel so. Because if I have such a daughter like myself, I would honestly feel completely useless and being a total failure too. Despite being messed up, you still love me wholeheartedly and protect me with everything you can. I promised I would talk to you about this entire matter, but I can't seem to have a real good talk with you because everytime I looked at greying hair, your wrinkled eyes, your aging face, I just feel like crying. I hate the fact that we're in a broken family, and that I can't see you often. I'm afraid that one day you'll just leave me without saying a word. For the past one year odd that I've been staying there, I've never came home crying. I pretended I was happy there because I didn't want you, or mum to worry. But I'm sorry I blew everything I had there a week ago. I've really tolerated enough from that place. Which is supposed to be my new home, but doesn't feels like it at all. The only reason why I reluctantly went back was Kayven. But I know this time, I left him. Leaving him in fear that his mother wouldn't come back. I did try to amend that marriage, but it was all pointless. Nothing improves. But I promised myself that I will get him back as soon as possible. I know he needs me more than his father, and I also need more than anything else. I know you supports me at every decision I've made, but I seemed to disappoint you everytime. I'm sorry, I really am, for being such a disgraceful daughter like how mum said it. I can't explained how sorry I am, really.

Sigh. It's 5am right now and I need to be up in 6 hours time to get ready for work. That'll be all for now. kthxbai

P/S: I'm sharing my thoughts on this online space is because I need to rant. Also, I know that THOSE people are reading it, so I might as well type it here and let it known to them about my feelings since I can't seem to say it out face to face.

2012-01-04T12:31:00.002+08:00

alot things happened in that short 4 hours last night. it was supposed to be a good day for me since it was my first day on work. but things have to change at night. i found that the girl i hate was at that fag's house, together with dennis, wanting to help him celebrate his 21st birthday. i was at work, knowing that makes me fucking pissed and i left work straight to go home find them. i was angry not because i was jealous or whatever, it's just that i dont her to ever touch, or even see my boy thats why. that fag clearly knew that i dont like her, so why the fuck did he do that for? i was really fucking boiling. so i left work, and took a cab back which waste my 5$. urgh. i went back shouting at every single person. it was actually my problem with her, but idk what the fuck gotten over that fag, i havent talk finish with that girl, he come interrupt. he fucking fought with me literally which almost killed me. he almost strangled me and i almost jump down from 9 floor. joke. i couldnt cool down at all, who can at that point of time you tell me. i fucking packed up my stuffs, wanting to leave but he doesnt allow. he told me to talk nicely to him, fine i sat down and talk to him and told him things that ive always wanted to say and admitted to all my doings outside. he said he would let me go, but one condition, to tell my parents and his parents personally why and what i've been doing outside. i agreed, waited waited waited. my dad actually couldnt come, but he still did. the moment he came, he carried kayven and we walked to the kitchen to talk. but less than 2 sentences, we both cried. i looked at kayven, telling him its okay because he was giving us a really sad face. my dad suggested to go down talk to me, so we went ahead. i really cant help but cry whenever i looked in his eyes, so i avoided eye contact with him. i didnt really talked much, he was the one talking. after awhile, he asked me if i wanted him to talk to that fag, i agreed. i thought he'd come down alone, but he came down with dennis and that girl. the fuck. i went up to take my things and came back down again, was actually just sitting there quietly. but my mum have to carry kayven down and shouting at me. telling me "i will never let you divorce unless 20 years later". she keeps shouting at me while my dad shouted at her back to shut up. i needed a cry badly so i went up to 18 floor on my own. i wanted so badly to jump down, to end everything once and for all. i sat at the railing, thinking and crying. i thought of how sad my dad will be if i really die, i thought of kayven. i gave up, i came down crying again. after dont know how long, my dad texted me to go down as he's bringing me home. but when i went down, they're still talking so i waited. when they're done, we went off. while we're walking out and waiting for cab, my mum have to continue scolding me which causes my dad to ask her to shut up again. she stopped when we're in the cab, but continued when we're home. though i didnt listen to everything she said, but it's this 3 words that hurt the most "you're a disgrace". that made me cry again. my dad can't tolerate her anymore so both of them ended up quarrelling too, which makes me cry too. i cant stand seeing them quarrel. 4 hours of so much drama and tears makes me fucking sleepy, so i headed to bed with so much unhappiness. didnt have a good sleep though, i keep waking up and i had bad dreams. woke up in the morning with whole body ache too. not forgetting the injuries from fighting caused me to limp.

people keep asking me what happened, so yup. i've said it.

my parents told me they still stay married after 20 years was because of us. but if they were to ask me for my opinion, i'd rather they divorce. i must be sounding a little crazy wanting my parents to divorce, but to me right now, whether they stay married or not, they still looked like their seperated. so whats the point? at least by divorcing, both of them still have their chance of finding their own happiness. why bother to stay in this crap marriage that's beyond hope? i know they wanted to show us good example of a married couple, or they just want to give us a happy family. but being in this state, my sister and i are not happy either. why force yourself to be so unhappy? i really dont understand.

whenever people ask me, you move out then kayven how? you dumped him? and all sorts of that kind of questions. i really dont know how to answer, but "i'll go back to him someday". yet i know thats somehow impossible. there's 3 choices for me right now, go back pasir ris and pretend everything's okay, see him grow up till the day i die. or just leave and never go back. or just commit suicide. none of the 3 choices is good, but these are the only choices. im so fucking stressed about it. urgh. somebody help me :(

its a really long, wordy post. guess i'll stop now. need to work kbye.

2011-12-28T06:15:00.002+08:00

Hi I'm not dead! Sorry blog, for neglecting you for 3 weeks. I really don't know what to blog about anymore. My life's not that interesting either. It's all only about work, which I'm having some problems now, and uh clubbing every Wednesday at powerhouse which now officially turns into my "playground" lol. &Taking care of Kayven whenever I've wake up. I don't wanna bore readers with my rants or blogging about stupid things. Oh! I made many new friends btw, I'm not gonna name them la, that's stupid. Ah, there's no readers anyway. I'm always talking to myself on my blog. Oh well. Just to update about things. Here goes:

24 December 2011; Saturday. Christmas Eve!

Met up with my clubbing kakis and headed over St. James Powerstation. Charlie sister's husband celebrating his birthday, so we settled at dragonfly. My first time stepping inside dragonfly because I'm always going powerhouse. So yep, it has a totally different feel from ph. Dragonfly have live band, pole dancing, which feels like Thai disco. Only that they're chinese speaking there, thai disco obviously speaks in thai. And there's MANY uncles there, being 18, I don't really like it there actually. I still prefer powerhouse! Anyway, there's countdown for Christmas there, the atmosphere still ok ah. 6 of us and they ordered 2 bottles of hennessy and one bucket of beer. Surprisingly we finished EVERYTHING. Power, I jitao guai guai sit there don't want dance nor drink because I know if continue I sure drunk! After resting for idk how long, I'm sober again. Heh heh. Charlie's sister and brother-in-law went home after we finished our drinks about 3+am, while the 4 of us headed to powerhouse to dance! Once step inside ph I become super energetic. HAHAHA. At dragonfly I keep complain bored and wanna go ph. But then dance like 30 min only then I become completely sober and not high anymore. Super turn off by myself. But we still stayed till 6am, and headed over SengKang for breakfast. Reached home 7+am, fucking tired!

25 December 2011; Sunday. Merry Christmas!

Headed to powerhouse again with my clubbing kakis. But that day saw many familiar faces there. Corina come with Simon too! But didn't really get to dance that much with her, she keep go missing lo! So I dance alone at podium like stupid -_- somemore the podium not much people kwhatever. Didn't really drink much that day either. Saw Ahshun&co. there, he asked me to sua diu. Decided on Avatar, so we left ph about 3+am. And then BAM, I tio spot by my boss. I was supposed to work that night but I ignored all his texts and calls. So when he saw me there, he jitao text me scold me, say want to bounce my cheque somemore. So I told him I wanna quit! Sibei dulan that night. But I still tolerated my anger, because I don't wanna spoil my Christmas night. Somemore ahshun&co. cheat my feelings, asked me to sua diu end up never go in avatar. Assholes! Anyway, Corina&Simon left early so left the 4 of us again. We left at 5+am to Geylang lor 16 to have prawn mee for supper and home aftermath!

26 December 2011; Monday.

Stayed at home the whole day taking care of Kayven. Too tired to go out either. Things got better with my boss at night though. Because he text me to ask me work the next night. HAHAHA. He don't let me quit because he's shorthand staff now actually. He nicely told me to work and that he won't bounce my cheque! I see the text already sibei gien song LOL. Anyway, I hate my body clock seriously. Everytime I decide to stay home, always 8 or 9+pm will start to feel really sleepy. But I tolerated that night and went to sleep only at 11+pm, but fuck, I still ended up waking up at 3+am. Very angry one leh! I can't seem to sleep thru the night, but can sleep thru the morning and afternoon! I seriously need to turn back my body clock! I went back to sleep only about 6am -_-

27 December 2011; Tuesday.

So I woke up at 3pm+, which totally shocks me. I still thought I will wake up early k! Anyway, so I did usual housechores again and taking care of Kayven till I go work! Work at 10pm, but I was late. Because I took a nap at 7.30pm but fag have to fucking disturb me, causing me not having to nap till 8pm. Supposed to wake up at 830pm but I overslept! Rushed out at 915pm, and rushing always caused me to forget things really easily. I walked super fast to WS to take train, and when I reached, I realised I forget to bring my fucking wallet! Wa super pekcek, almost kill myself. Bobian, U-turn back and take, text boss that I'll be late, lucky he never scold me! Reached workplace at 1020pm! First one to two hours of work really fucking boring because no people! Urgh. But aftermath also not that fun, just that because I've martell to drink! But they keep want to make me drunk leh, but I smart enough to siam all the drinks HAHAHA. Work ended at 3am and I headed over Central Mall, BZL2 to meet up with "old friends". Played darts there and drinking, left at 5+am > Home. Having migraine now but I'm not tired! Boohoo T.T

Anyway, I love my new knitted top so I want to show off. AHAHAHA. Chio not? ^^

I'm starting to get emotional and having fucked up thoughts again. So bear with this long post k! One regular customer who knows how to read palms, read mine while I was working, and told me that my life is complicated. (YES WHO DOESN'T KNOW) But what really scares me, is that he told me that I have a short life. I always rant on twitter saying that I'll die young yada yada, but I was just saying! I didn't know it's true :( Feel so sad suddenly. Even though he told me not to believe him, as my life is in my own hands, I can prolly change my future somehow, but I still feel that everything he said was true. Sigh. I always say I want die young because now fucking stress and all, but I don't really mean it. I still want to see Kayven grow up, do me proud and see my grandchild/children. omfg this is scary T.T

next.. I wanna rant about how some people think they're some big shot who can just enter and leave my life as they like. Fuck you understand. If you wanna leave, just leave. Don't fucking come and go. Leaving pain behind for me. It's not fun at all. Don't tell me all those crap which I've heard a million times, all those useless words that's fake. Fuck you.

New year eve's coming in 3 days! Haven't got a plan where to go even though some people have been asking me out to here and there. But I can't decide leh :( Guess I've to go with the flow as usual than making my own decisions. Oh well~

14th Month

2011-12-17T07:19:00.000+08:00

14th month Progress:

Drinks 190ml FM on demand.
LOVE EATING. Can eat nonstop like won't full one.
Have 4 upper teeth, 3 lower teeth.
Can stick to me all day long. Sleep also want to lie on me.
Walking 100% steadily now, with or without shoes.
Learn 2 new words, "kor kor" and "uh oh"
Knows how to hold my hand when I asked him to when he's walking.
Like to see iphone the smurfs application, will laugh to it everytime.
Until now still scared of the shower thingy -_-
Throw temper when we don't let him take things that he wants to.
Knows how to wave bye bye and give hand kiss!
Knows when people come in or out of the house, everytime hear door sound will run to the door and see who.
Everytime I play mahjong, he will kpo want to touch the tiles also. Want to shuffle the tiles.
Likes the news weather forecast music. everytime hear will keep quiet stand there and see -_-

2011-12-07T04:32:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep so I guess I'll just take this time to update this dead blog of mine. My life hasn't been improving, still as fucked up as over. I've even more stress right now because I really run out of money, I've used all my past savings. Back to being a fucking poor girl now, thinking about this always makes me wanna cry T_T But I don't know how I survive through penniless days either, I just get through it. I need to make more money! I need to work my ass off no matter how tiring it's gonna be! Hang on, Belle. Hang on.

Have you ever take a minute to look at your parents closely? Have you realised that while you're growing up, they're aging? Did you see more wrinkles on their face? Did you see more white hairs on their head? Did you see how haggard they've grown to? That's the problem with teenagers. We're always complaining how our mum or dad are nagging at us, scolding us for things we THOUGHT we didn't do any wrong. We always complain that we don't like to go home, we wanna move out, we don't like being born in this family etc. But have you ever thought that they are the ones who brought us to this world? To work hard, bring us up? Everything they did don't deserve us hurling harsh comments on them. One day, you'll grow up to become a parent of YOUR own child too. By then, when you understood how they felt, make sure it's not too late. What's the point of regretting?

I'm kinda afraid that one day my parents will leave me, not so soon. But they will, eventually.. Everybody have to die, I know. Nights like this makes me think alot, especially things regarding death and it scares me. I pictured how it'd be like attending their funeral(IM NOT CURSING THEM), but ya, it's all just so upsetting. Thinking of it makes me wanna cry seriously T_T I just hope that time will stop. I can stop growing so they would stop aging. Sigh.

Do you know how it feels like wanting to run back home, but then realised that you've no home anymore? I'M HAVING THIS FEELING RIGHT NOW. It sucks, big time. I'm here, everybody tells me this my 'home', but I really don't feel so. It's more like a place for me to sleep, like a hotel I admit. Isn't a home supposed to be filled with happiness and love? A place whereby you look forward to coming back to after a long, tiring day? But no, I don't feel this way, never ever once feel this way for the past 1 year odd that I've been staying here. So many times I wanna run back to my mum's place looking for comfort. But know what? She doesn't allow me to. She said that's not my home anymore, it's here. Girls getting married need to move over to guy's place, since when got such law ah? Why didn't I insist of staying at my place instead initially? But I guess he wouldn't want to anyway. I want back my HOME, my old HOME with my dad, my mum, my sis and Kayven. 5 of us could live happily together, just not like this.. Sigh.

Why the fuck am I wallowing in self-pity everyday.. Wake up, Belle. Wake up. Snap out of all these thoughts. Thinking doesn't make anything better anyway. Or probably, just think of others that live worse than you so you wouldn't pity yourself.

I think I've got some sort of mental illness anyway. Nights that I can't sleep, when I just lay on the bed, I keep picturing myself committing suicide. Like jumping off the building from idk how high, like trying to drown myself at the beach, like turning on the gas and keep myself enclose, like cutting my wrist so I'll bleed to death etc. Stupid thoughts but they really haunt me, they really make me wanna die so badly. But where the hell should I get courage for it? Even more ridiculously, I thought of going to the hospital to ask the doctor just inject the poison or whatever it is to put me to sleep forever. But that's bullshit la, which doctor will do that. If this continues, I think one day I'll really end up having depression. Somebody save me please.

I'm already trying so hard to make my life better but it's not working. It's not that I like to sit here, waste my time ranting away on my blog and doing nothing to make everything ok. I did, I really did try. But I always fail, I end up achieving nothing as usual. Fuck my life, fuck everything.

This Christmas, Santa, I want happiness. Just happiness and I'll ask nothing more for the rest of my life. Please?

2011-11-29T01:35:00.004+08:00

Kayven fell asleep in the pram like that lol

Hi! I'm just too lazy to blog anymore, and I know there's no readers coming back. Oh well~ I've nothing interesting to blog about either unless there's anybody even want to know what I did when I was a drunkard. LOL. But nah, I won't talk about that. Embarrassing know!

2011 hadn't been a good year at all, I really cant wait for this to be over. One more month to go! Tolerate! &I've been mind fucking myself recently, as always. Thinking about this and that, stressing about this and that, yet I cant do anything to make myself better. I don't even know how to make my life better, it really sucks.

He's been gone for so long, he already fell in and out of another relationship. He stopped thinking about you ages ago, he only have his gf, or ex gf I should say, in his mind. You dont matter to him anymore, you're just his past that he wants to forget. So why are you still hoping for his return someday? Why are you thinking of someone who doesn't think about you anymore? Why cant you just be like him, move on in life. Time doesn't stops for you anybody, so why make yourself misery living in the past and hoping for the impossible? You tried so hard to get over him, so why look back now? This short 2 months wasn't easy at all, don't run back to square one. You know how its gonna end eventually. You'll still get hurt, so why bother? Just keep walking, you'll find someone better down the road.

He likes you, but you ignored him. you knew what he felt towards you, but you pretended that you don't. He treats you good, but you took it for granted. When you realised you start to like him back, he's gone. He's no longer that good guy you thought he was. You tried to make things better for the both of you, you even tried to take the initiative, you did stupid things just to get his attention again. But he doesn't care anymore, he've got someone else in mind now. Here you are, hoping that he'll soon turn back and chase after you once more and readily agreed to his request. You wonder how long will he play this mind game with, yet the truth is, you already know that he've already make it so clear that he've let go and doesn't want you anymore. You just don't want to accept that godamn hurting fact, &still here hoping. What are you doing to yourself? He don't deserve you being in such state. just move on. You know he won't be good either. Just treat him as a passerby in your life, let it go dear.

You met someone new recently. He's cute, he's nice, but do you really know what kind of guy he is? what if he turns out to be another jerk who will hurt you? He reminds you of someone in the past, but he isn't that someone. You just miss having someone to love and loved back in return. You envied those couples being all lovey dovey together. You just want to happy with that someone special, that perfect someone in your eyes. But don't think you think you're rushing things? You cant do this, you know you cant. So why are you still continuing being this way? Take it slow girl, you'll find true love somebody, just not now.

So many questions, so little answers. That's the problem. So much you want to know, but nobody tells you. I guess you've to find the answers yourself. After all, it's all about you and your own life, not others. You tried so hard, you fall so hard, you stood up again trying, you never stop trying. But you got so sick of trying, you want to give up everything, give up being yourself and be someone else. All those pain made you change to someone you swore you never would. Nothing can undo this change anymore and your life is in a mess right now. All you want to now is, DIE. But you've no guts to, neither do you bear to leave this world because there's still so many things you've yet to do and see. So you hang on with all you could, but you're already dying inside. Maybe one day, you'll get depression but what else can you do? Nothing at all, and just keep hanging on to this fucked up life of yours. Yeah, that's it. 3 words - life goes on. Whether you're ready or not, it still goes on. Get used to it. Good luck.

13th Month

2011-11-17T03:54:00.000+08:00

13th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml FM 4 or 5 hourly/on demand.
Have usual meals, breakfast lunch dinner and sometimes supper.
Walking more stably, but dont dare to walk with shoes on -_-
Have 4 upper tiny teeth, and 2 bottom tiny teeth
Like to stick to me or his ahmas.
Knows how to climb up and down of the bed and sofa.
Likes to jump here and there.
Likes to disturb people when they're sleeping, especially pull hair!
Likes to anyhow throw things. You pick up, he throw, you pick up, he throw. Headache ah

Actually like not much different from last month. Don't know whether to continue update monthly or only when he make real progress then update. Hmmm.

2011-11-10T12:34:00.003+08:00

life can be so fucked up at times seriously. one second things could be going smoothly, but the next, just because one fucking small thing, things took a drastic turn. i dont understand why, i really dont. now you're forcing to leave, to turn into a fucking crazy girl, to fucking suicide. im gonna do things that i swore i wouldnt do just because im fucking stressed up about my fucking life. i dont care what others will say anymore, but i really cant take it anymore. whats with all the trying when at the end, you know you're still gonna fail and achieve nothing? why waste that effort? why waste that time doing completely stupid things?

what the fuck do you want from me? oh, no wait, i do know the answers. to stop all these clubbing, having fun, drinking and whatever ive been doing for these past few months. but i cant, because all these helps me forget about all this shit in my life. all these helps me from breaking down mentally so soon, if i cope myself at home, i will turn out to be a fucking depression mother. no, i dont want that to ever happened to me. have you ever thought why i become this way too? partially yes, its my fault too. but you're included as well. have you ever tried understanding my pain? do you know how much i wanna leave this shit hole? it may be the only place i have for shelter now, but im not happy here, i never was. isnt loving somebody giving them their rightful happiness? you claimed you did, but why are you not giving me what i want? 7 letters, divorce. thats it.

the reason you dont want it isnt because you love me. because right now, you hate me. you just want me to stay because you want to give me hell, inflict more pain on me and see me in the fucking coffin then you happy. right? then guess what, i can give up everything i have now. i can give it all to you if you really want it that bad. it may not be easy. i dont want to give up my only lover to you, but what choice do i have now? maybe one day i might regret this choice, maybe one day i'd like to come back just for the sake of him, maybe you wouldnt let, but im treating myself wrong as each day passes by.

i dont know my mum is nuts or what sometimes. she can fucking help an outsider instead of her own daugther. can somebody tell me why? this feeling is anger+upset, so mixed up sigh. even tho my parents are still legally married, but they are living separate too. i remember, it wasnt like this when my sis and i were younger. we used to be happy together, but not anymore. right now, all i have, is a broken family. this is why i wanted to give the best for kayven, i dont want to feel this same shit as me when he gets older. but i failed, i cant give him a happy family. i feel like a useless, fucked up, failure mother to him. i hope he understands why i choose to leave him now, but i guess he would never. sigh.

i miss my dad. really really really miss him. i miss everything i once had. he's been busy working for like, the whole of his life. we rarely see each other now. sometimes i wanna call him, telling him how much i missed him. i may not tell him my problems, but his hugs always make it better. i can stay in his arms crying for hours, and he'll be with me. he'll tell me everything's okay, and i'd feel better. but no, he's not here anymore. this distance we have makes everything so hard now.

im moving out, yes for real. i dont know where to yet, i still dont have a plan. but i will, as long as i find somewhere to stay, anywhere will do. it doesnt matter. i just wanna start my life afresh, on my own.

2011-11-07T21:46:00.005+08:00

Didn't go Rebel with Hwee on 4 Nov, Friday because I fucking overslept! Geh kiang la, sleep at 12+pm. But then I thought I will wake up at 7 or 8pm that's why :( Somemore I forget change my phone, silent all the way, no sound no vibrations. Plus fag didn't wake me up. Wake up see the sky so dark, see the time jitao shocked! 12+am, so fucking angry with myself lo T.T But I still headed out, went to Neverland awhile and MBK. Super boring that night~

Anyway, celebrated Cass' 18th on 5 Nov, Saturday at MBK. Hwee, Corina and Gary& one of his friend came over to play one round of mahjong at 5pm first. Play finish about 8 or 9pm, headed to WS to eat Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe > Trained over to Douby Ghaut to meet Yawhui, Matthew and Michelle, reached about 10+pm? > Walked over Orchard Plaza > Nua-ed at MBK till Cass reach about 11pm > Start celebration! Actually it was kinda ruined because of birthday girl went MIA halfway -_- She got drunk, not really but abit. And then she got angry, so yup. She went home at 3 or 4am. Her problem become my problem, so I got angry too and drank half a bottle of Martell on my own while everybody just sit there and look at me drink. Power. Before that I already gulp down alot cups and had 2 shots. So er, I kinda got drunk too. But not really, because I still remember partially what happened. Hur hur. I don't know what the time the rest go home, I only know at the end of the day only left me, Evania, Hwee, Yixuan, Yawhui and Nico. -_- Went to eat > finish, wanted cab back, but then as usual no cab at 6+am > Evania bus-ed back, Yawhui took separate cab, but I think he take bus back also > Me, Hwee, Yixuan and Nico train-ed back! Reached home 7.30am already, tired max.

6 Nov, Sunday. Happy 18th birthday, Nanny! Though we didn't get to celebrate with you this year, but it's ok I guess. Hope you had fun with your friends :) Anyway, I was supposed to work that night. But Kelvin didn't returned my text so I didn't. Sian. Wanted to go club as next day public holiday but nobody steady as usual. So stayed home, be good girl and sleep early!

7 Nov, Monday. Woke up about 10 or 11+am, headed out to EM to have brunch with fag and Kayven. Initial plan was to head over Bugis with Evania for job hunting. I wanna get a day part time job because my current night job income is really not enough at all. But then I took a nap 2 hours before meeting her, ended up oversleep then lazy go out already. So I jio-ed them over for mahjong instead. Evania, Yongyi and Koksiang. We started playing about 5.30pm, played 2 rounds in total, I never lose never win leh. Somemore play halfway fag and his father quarrel, knn not my problem make my problem again. Then Yongyi wanted to faster get out of here, hur hur. Finished playing about 9.30pm and they went off~

And I've really gained weight working night job because I cannot control my mouth at night! Fuck now I'm fucking 40kg T.T I wanna cry, my actual weight was 38kg lo! So now I'm gonna just eat ONE meal per day! Don't care if my gastric gonna kill me or what, but my ideal weight is 36kg! And I'm trying to make myself down with high fever, because when I'm sick, I have NO appetite at all. That'd help me to slim down! ^^ Stupid idea but I'd really do anything to slim down I swear! So upset over my chubby cheeks now and I think I'm gonna have double chin soon. KILL ME

2011-11-04T05:38:00.002+08:00

Just came back from drinking and mahjong session. Suddenly become emotional and tweeting nonstop in the cab, came back wanted to blog but then ended up watch show until no feel already. -_- Anyway, this week is a week I'm getting sleep deprived and will die early. I'm drinking EVERYDAY, yes everyday. Monday& Tuesday work, Wednesday ph, Thursday bq drink, Friday rebel, Saturday MBK, Sunday work. Wa shag ah. Somemore I haven't take October's pay. Kelvin better gimme on Sunday! My pocket really got one big hole now lo.

Anyway, Friday, which is tonight, going rebel with Hwee! Ah yes, finally she's 18 to go club with me. So happy, next time want go club can jio her already. ^^ Please let the night be fun because I kinda expected it to be, I don't want any disappointments :( Koksiang and corina might be joining us too, hope they don't put me aeroplane if not I sure bomb their houses lol.

Saturday going MBK to celebrate Cass' 18th Advanced Birthday btw. Gonna have many people I supposed. Hopefully it'll be fun! &I've yet to buy Hwee's birthday present, I've no idea what to buy. As well as Cass, AND not forgetting Nanny! Wapiang, they 3 birthday so close. Headache leh. Hwee 1st, Nanny 6th, Cass 10th. Alibaba. Wanted to give angpao, but like abit funny. How leh? :(

&Kayven's getting really out of hand recently, k la not really, I exaggerate it, but then he's really naughty!! Somemore as he's growing older, he's strength getting more. And I don't know why the fuck he likes to beat people alot, woah I lie down on the bed only he beat my head so hard. Scold him, he cry awhile then continue again. Can anybody teach me how to teach him be obedient boy?! Sometimes I really cannot take it, especially when I have not enough sleep, very pekcek then end up beating him, not hard la, but then really urgh! But really upsetting when I know that I didn't teach him well enough sigh :(

Great Weekend

2011-10-30T12:32:00.007+08:00

28 October 2011, Friday.

Woke up early because I slept the whole of Thursday, from afternoon till Friday morning. Hur hur. I've no idea how I did it, don't know too tired or what. Anyway, was feeling happy actually because after so long I get to spend time with my loverboy! Brought him out to Elias Mall for MacDonald's breakfast with me about 8am. Back aftermath, usual housechores and taking care of him. Mum came in the afternoon with my lunch, Mcspicy! And brought him back to her place at 5pm? So I nua-ed awhile then went to prepare and headed out to meet Cass for dinner and a lil shopping at Bugis. Supposed to meet 6pm, but we're late as usual. Settled dinner at LJS then walked around street, bought nothing though because keep kena nag by somebody. So FUCKING ANNOYING seriously. Anyway, Cass went to work @ 8.30pm and I headed over cine for awhile. Then headed to Ratcahda at 9.30pm. Is sian daoooo~~~ Because too early no people lol. About 11pm headed to Changi some ulu place, friend friend's newly open cafe lounge. Stayed there till 2.30am then headed to MBK with Cass and Matthew. Kinda boring that night because yup, 3 of us only. But I met "new friends" there! Went off about 5.30am, headed to Geylang for prawn mee again and back home aftermath! ^^

Hwee went up stage to drink 10 seconds!!

Me and Cass literally kissed ok!!

I don't like this maskkk! Scaryyyy! But....

I ended up playing with mask too. HAHAHA

His name is 'O'! Siam kia lai eh lol

Actually I'm not scared of him until he suddenly come scare me for nothing, walao....

He's the fucker who scared me most!!!!

One of MBK's staff

29th October 2011, Saturday.

Happy advanced 18th birthday, hwee hweeeeeeee! ^^

We celebrated Hwee's advanced birthday at MBK, and at the same time, they had halloween event. And it was a really great night minusing the fact that me, Evania, Shaojun and Nico rotted after 4am lol. I wanted to dress up but then nobody wanna join me so didn't. Met Nanny at niangjia bus stop about 10.30pm, we were supposed to meet 10pm at MRT but I overslept! So yup, she accompanied me home bath and change then headed out. Out at 11.40pm, wanted to take cab before there's midnight charge. BUT THEN WE WAITED 25 MINUTES THEN GOT CAB! Wa we both wait until dulan seriously. Reached, ate outside first before going in. While eating, I heard they singing birthday song inside and know that we've missed out seeing Hwee on stage :( But anyway, we still had fun anyway! The "ghosts" there keep scaring me nonstop, causing me to scream my lungs out! Walan eh, now my throat pain :( Then Cass and Nanny had to take the stupid fake spider and scare me too, my soul almost run away I swear. I thought what -_- Other than all the scaring, we're all just sitting there play games and doing stupid things lol. Went off about 5.30am to downstairs eat prata, but before that, we come out then Nico have to just nice ask about Hwee's duapao who take home, which also just nice we walked pass one group of people who's taking duapao home too. I think they drunk or what, thought he talking about them then wanna beat him! Lucky one of his friend ask Nico faster go then MBK's bouncers all ran out to came out to stop them too. Like dramatic only. HAHA. We went round and round to find Nico, only to find him in 1st level girl's toilet -_- Went to eat prata > Hwee came down > Cab back! ^^

Anyway, hopefully this weekend will end smoothly. After finishing this post, I'm gonna bath and change then head over Bugis for shopping! From last night till now I haven't sleep and surprisingly, I'm not tired! So yup, just gonna stay up till tonight then sleep! Try to turn back my body clock! kthxbai!

P/S: the rest of the photos in fb! ^^

2011-10-28T16:34:00.002+08:00

Hello dead blog, I'm back to update! Finally I've time to do so, been busy even after Kayven's birthday. Anyway, just to share about being a "sehka" last week. Last Thursday work, then customers keep ask me drink. Want to run also cannot! So yup, end up forcing myself to vomit in the toilet to make myself feel better. After work, went to golden mile to eat. Wasn't that bad actually, only that I keep very kaopeh during work lol. Then Friday, no work so went MBK with Hwee. Starting only we 2, but she suddenly tell me Gary and ZC going also. So we 4, then suddenly more than 10 people come WTF. Saw last time BZL customers, they asked me to join their table so went over and drink with them. Wa they pour the martell sibei gao seriously. I drink few cups want to die already. Yawhui came too with his friends to celebrate one of his friend table, so I like waitress there. Keep running table and drinking the whole night. Somemore one of MBK staff there keep treating me drink bacadi 151 and tequila. Drink too much shots can die also seriously. Jitao high! Luckily Cass came after work and she help me drink! But she drink until ownself drunk also -_- I did stupid things there, like hiding under the table because they wanna send me back home. I refuse to stand and everybody was staring at me. Super paiseh but seh already so never bother LOL. But it was fun anyway.

Didn't go Powerhouse for 3 weeks or 1 month already, miss that place so much! :( And I'm hoping there's work later even though got people jio go thai disco and club, this week I only work 1 day! My pay low like shit, think of it can cry T_T

And I'm superrrrr excited for tomorrow! Because Hwee's celebrating her birthday at MBK, which means will have alot people and drink like nobody's business again. HAHA. Tomorrow sure no drunk no go home! At the same time, MBK celebrating halloween too. So one shot kill two birds! But then nobody wanna dress up together with me :( So upsetting seriously, all not steady!

And next weekend, Cass will be celebrating her advanced birthday at chalet! So I bet there'll be alot people too because ever since we work pub together, both of us know alot people. Hur hur. She sure invite customers down and I'll have to help her entertain! But anyway, predicting it'd be fun too! November so many people birthday! Uh, I need to go now. Kthxbai!

12th Month

2011-10-19T13:03:00.000+08:00

12th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml FM 4 hourly/on demand.
Eats porridge once or twice daily.
Loves eating, everytime see people eat, ownself also want to eat.
Knows how to walk on his own already, but always lazy.
Have 2 upper tooth and 2 lower tooth. 2 more upper tooth popping out.
Very whiny, always whine when he don't get what he wants.
Likes to make different, funny sounds instead of talking.
Dance till very happy everytime he hear clubbing music that I turned on.
Don't like to listen, always do opposite of what we tell him to do.
Likes to play on the bed.

New food:

Rafferty's Garden Fruit Snack Bar
Heinz wholegrain cereal bar
MacDonald's hotcake

Weight - 9.2kg (estimated)

XOXO

2011-10-18T01:17:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday, my lover boy.

A year ago, momma was in the labour room giving birth to you. Enduring all the pain while you're preparing to come out to see this world. And I'm glad you didn't give me a hard time! I'm not remembering the pain I've tolerated, but the joy when my eyes first set on you. And then looking you grow up every single day, learning new things and surprising momma every now and then. From a tiny baby, to a crawling baby, now you're learning how to walk. I'm sorry for spending so much lesser time with you ever since I've took up night job. But momma still loves you the most! No matter what, you'll still be momma's priority :)

It's been a year, and it wasn't easy at all to go through. But I hang on, all because of you. You make me realised that there's still something in life for me. All I hope now is for you to grow up healthily and I'll ask for nothing more. I will do anything to let you have the best, or nothing at all. I'm sorry I'm not able to give you a complete, happy family. I just hope that one day, you'll understand. I love you, Kayven.

Kayven's big one!

2011-10-18T00:20:00.005+08:00

15 October 2011, Friday.

Supposed to wake up at 12noon but overslept because slept late the previous night. End up about 2pm then wake up. Pack up the rest of the things to bring to chalet, went to bath and headed out. Reached about 3/3.30pm > check in > put things down > off to buy BBQ food and things! Buy finish > go back chalet about 5+pm already > Koksiang and Yongyi came > MJ session! But then fag have to irritate me, pissing the shit out of me. Nobody stayed for the night, so yup, quite boring day actually. Because everybody go thai disco/drink :( Leave me alone!

16 October 2011, Saturday.

Darling didn't sleep well I guess, becuz he slept at 2am and wake up early but went back to sleep. Anyway, I woke up at 3+pm and realised nobody at the chalet except for me and Kayven, scared me! :( Anyway, Cass and ZC came not long after I wake up. They came to help me with the decorations and all. I went to bath at 5pm and played mahjong to kill time, because need to wait for people to come. Slowly one by one came, so busy the whole night! And I actually forgotten to take photos, so smart lo :( Cut cake at 8.30pm and aftermath one by one slowly go. After everybody go, mahjong session! Mommy brought Kayven home to sleep because she know he can't sleep well there because not used to it. Played mahjong throughout the night! Till morning 7 or 8am, woah fucking tired. Packed up things and check out aftermath, came back unpacked and K.O in the morning 10 or 11+am.

17 October 2011, Monday.

Kayven's actual birthday! Brought him to peek-a-boo located at Kallang Leisure Park. Something like explorer kids, but more baby friendly. Explorer kids more for toddlers, kids that already can walk and know how to play. Peek-a-boo has more baby toys etc. Went with PM, Cass, Hwee and Evania. Supposed to meet at 4.30pm but then all take own sweet time, so we reach there at 6.30pm. Starting darling wasn't used to the place so he was a little grumpy. But slowly when he starts to adapt, he kept laughing and smiling! Hur hur, he played with a pair of twins that's younger than him! But then he so naughty, go beat them -_- Anyway, the place closing at 8.30pm so we left at 8pm to have our dinner. Had pastamania, and Kayven nap awhile and wake up after we're done eating. Headed to cold storage becuz Evania and Hwee wanted sushi, but in the end also never buy. They bought tidbit and ham only, then sit somewhere in the mall to eat. While I bought ice cream hehe, eat finish all go home~ Reached back here about 11.30pm. Can see that darling enjoyed his day! Happy baby = Happy momma! :)

2011-10-14T07:32:00.002+08:00

It's finally the 14 Oct, Friday! Looking forward to this day since a long time ago! Hur hur. But more excited for tomorrow because it's Kayven's actual first birthday celebration! He's gonna turn officially 1 in 3 days time! Time flies~~ Anyway, since I'm bored and can't sleep, shall update a short post!

As above, you can see that my hair has turned red! LOL like obviously, I dyed it last Saturday at Toa Payoh! As well as having my first tattoo on my right collar bone last Wednesday at Acid Crue. The tattoo pain wasn't that pain as I expected, I kinda like the pain actually. Abit shiok ah lol, alot people say I'm sick. Yes I know, I'm a sadist.

But now I'm reallyyyyyyy broke. Need lobang for fast cash seriously! Still thinking if I should work 2 pubs again or find part time day job+current night job. For money I really have no choice but to take 2 jobs. Sighhhhhh :( Seriously everyday stress about money ever since Kayven's born, expenses high like shit, income low like shit. Somemore no help, all on my own. Fuckkkk. Nvm, shall stop ranting and continue to pack things for chalet later. kthxbai

2011-09-28T15:23:00.004+08:00

Hellooooo. I think my readers all stop coming back already because I haven't been updating for 3 weeks already. So sorry! But I've been busy with many things recently, especially studies. N level exam on 3, 4 and 6 of October. Math and Science sure fail seriously, science really fucking hard ok! But uh, partially because I didn't study much for it either. Math is because I overslept and didn't turn up for paper 1. Hopefully I'll pass my combined humanities! Initial plan was to take private diploma next year, but I think my result like that like cannot ah, so maybe I'll take private O level next year? Still considering! Anyway, after my last paper yesterday, I was reallyyyyy happy because finally for the year, I've no money studies stress! Only left money stress!

To update about Kayven: He's still as usual naughty and cute! Not much progress actually, he's still not walking without support :( Because he unstable and fall, knock his chin as I didn't manage to catch him in time. Then he scared already, don't dare walk! So my wish of him walking by his birthday = fail. But nevermind! Sure got alot people want to carry him! Anyway, his birthday chalet, we're checking in on the 14/10, Friday afternoon. Will be bringing him to swimming after checking in and having a mini bbq in the evening. So friends, you can come if you want! Just leave me a text or give me a call! But the actual celebration will still be on the 15/10, Saturday evening. :)

Now work.. Hmm actually still ok la, because for last week and this week I'm only working on Friday and Saturday. Nothing happening either. I finally gotten my pay! 600+$! But actually fucking little compared to when I was working at BZL. Now income low like shit, I need to find another alternative to earn more money! Thought of working part time day job, but then need to find babysitter/infant care. How how how suggestions? :(

Life in particular for me right now as been better, mentally. Because I've learn how to keep myself occupied with things to do and quit mind fucking that much. I've been trying to let go and forget about things that I can't hold on to anymore, and I realised that it's not that hard afterall when you look at things at another angle. As well as quit hiding the truth from everybody now, I'm more of relieved now actually. And even though I'm still legally married, having a legal husband, something I cannot say don't want means can just vanish like that, but mentally I still think I'm single. Seriously even physically, I'm like a single mother. So what's the point of getting married? Seriously fucking regretted. Because mentally I'm single, that's why I go out and play. I don't think I'm irresponsible by allowing my mum to take care of Kayven at night while I go out. If I'm REALLY irresponsible, I wouldn't even care why he'll cry, whether he eat/drink milk already, whether he has enough things(e.g. toys, food) and things like that. I can really fucking choose to just walk out of this place, which doesn't enough feels/looks like a home to me. I can just abandoned everything and really have my freedom back as how a 18 years old girl would have. But no, I didn't. I know I've to carry on because Kayven needs a momma, needs me even though I need him more.

Don't control me, don't tell me what I should do or what I should not because I know it well myself too. And even though we're legally still together, but we DON'T even look like it. In a day, we only see each other how long? Talk how many sentences and etc, I don't wanna mention anymore. We're all staying because of one thing - Responsibility. That's it and nothing else, but are we really doing things the right way? As much as I wanna leave here, I don't have the ability to do so. Still back to the main point of why am I so stressed up. MONEY. I don't have so much money. Sigh.

Apart from all these problems that I've ranted on, my life is happy. Yes, very happy :) Shall update again, prolly after Kayven's birthday! Oh, and keep my formspring alive pls people! Everything's so dead!

Gary's 21st

2011-09-18T18:38:00.007+08:00

17 September 2011, Saturday.

Met my 2 girls and head over V4 together to celebrate Gary's 21st. Initially kinda boring, but it gets better eventually. But I still prefer MBK! Anyway, we all keep dancing nonstop! Matthew drunk sibei funny, keep "woah-ing" and keep raise up our hands and dance. HAHAH. Laugh until very tired, dance until very tired also. If only this happens every Friday, sure damn fun. Hur hur. V4 closed at 5am, and we head over MBK because @hweehweeee wanna see her POND! Like stupid uh, go for one hour only and the bouncer purposely check @casscassy and my I.C again! Went to eat aftermath and went home, reach home about 7.30am already. Fucking tired!

18 September 2011, Sunday.

Mum and @jiennnnn came over in the evening. Mum brought Kayven home, sis and I went to meet @casscassy at Downtown East about 8pm. It was Gary's actual birthday, went down to his chalet at Aranda Country Club. Corina organised games for us to play! Throughout the whole game, everybody keep laughing because of the stupid games! Really super funny! After playing, time to cut cake! Which kinda took super long because keep taking photos before singing birthday song. Then slowly one by one go off, youngsters that stayed up the night only me, my sis, Cass, Corina, yaw hui. They played daidi and the dice thingy which have to drink. Cordon bleu and XO, woah lucky I go find friends awhile. If not need drink alot because have to drink my sis' share too. After my friends left, saw @hweehweeee sleeping inside so I decide to join her. But can't sleep because of some matters which hurt like fuck. Lie there and mind fuck for idk how long then went out to join them again. Just nice come out 10 minutes can play mj already! So happy hur hur because damn long never touch and I was itching for it! Played with Cass, Corina and Yaw Hui while my sis sit there and watch us play because she wanna learn. I won 24$! Played till morning 7, woah damn tired. Faster rush home because mum need leave for work already~

--

I think Gary had fun celebrating the 2 days for his 21st! But 21 like old already ah, I wanna remain 18 forever can anot?! I stay 18, and Kayven will stay as a baby forever! I don't want him to grow up too :( He now so cute even though always naughty!

Anyway, exam is coming nearer now! Fuck left 2 weeks to study only, math science and geog. Not enough time at all! Now start to kan jiong already, but still no mood to study. How ah how?! If only there's something I can eat to make me smart instantly so I don't need to study and pass with flying colours! LOL rubbish I know. Wanted to study through the night just now, but do math one chapter only I give up already. Not because I don't understand, but because no "feel" to do so aftermath y'know. Ahhh sibei stress. Shall try studying again after this entry! Jiayou to myself!

Kayven's 11th Month

2011-09-17T04:35:00.000+08:00

11th Month Progress:

240ml of FM on demand
Knows how to open and close drawer/door
Able to walk 1 or 2 steps without support
Have 2 bottom teeth now, but haven't come out completely.
Loves eating alot, everytime "mum mum mum mum"
Knows how to say "neh neh" like finally
Tell him go "gai gai" he very happy, will keep smiling
Knows how to friend kiss, but still don't know how to wave bye bye.
Super scared that he'll fall when carrying him, will cling to you like koala bear.

New food:

Heinz creamy pasta and tuna mornay
Heinz spinach, pumpkin& ricotta '
Egg
Gerber puffs, sweet potato flavour

Weight: 8.6kg

Selling post

2011-09-16T12:20:00.005+08:00

Somebody on formspring suggested if I could do a selling post. At the same time, I wanted to make space for new clothing in my wardrobe. So I'm trying to see if this works! :)

Any enquiries or if you wanna buy, can email me: glensx@gmail.com
Or can formspring me, but do leave down your number so I can contact you :)

*credit: strawberryvines.lj

Item: Dark Denim Frayed Shorts
Fits waist 25-26.
15$

Item: Tube romper in black
Fits uk 6-8
18$

2011-09-15T19:23:00.002+08:00

He's the only reason why I held on for so long. He's the only one who taught me how to love someone unconditionally. He's the only one who shows me how simple should live actually be. He's the only one I can confide to everytime I need someone to talk to, because he's the only one who wouldn't judge me. He's the only reason why I have to stay strong. Without him, I wouldn't work so hard right now. Neither would know the limits to me having fun outside. After a long night at work, other than wanting to sleep badly, I love looking at him sleep. Sometimes, I'd sit by the bed, looking at him and smiling. Though there's many times he made me get real mad, but I get over that anger the second he smiled at me. So many times, I really wonder if I should be happy for having him or what. Even though I have limited freedom, lesser time to study and so much burdens. But no matter how tough life gets, no matter how much I want to end my life, I'd think of him and know that I've to go on. I can't give up just yet. He needs me, and I need him so much more.

I looked in his eyes while feeding him porridge an hour ago, asking him "What if one day you wouldn't see momma anymore? Would you miss me?" But he's just a 11 months baby, what reaction should I expect from him? He looked at me, and replied "mm mmm" and smiled. I don't know to cry or smile.

After more than a year of struggling whether to give up or hold on loving somebody, it's not easy at all. Until recently, I realised that I'm too tired to hold on to anything. I didn't want to give up, I never wanted to, but everything's too hard. Chances over chances, but things still remain as fucked up as ever. There's nothing else I can do anymore. And then, so many people tell me "Both of you gotta talk, Kayven needs a complete complete family" Even though I know it's impossible for us to get back like the past, for us to stay together for long, but I did try even though I didn't want it anymore. But it's all because of Kayven. I tried talking nicely to him at times, but what do I get back in return? Fucked up, arrogant replies from him and insults. Do I really deserve all this shit? And not that I want to throw his face here or what, but whenever he can't get the "thing" he wants, he'll end up grumbling and insulting me with a shit load of crap. All he wants is to fulfill his sexual needs which I don't even want it at all. Seriously feel so irritated everytime he touches me. Tell me, how can we even save this marriage? There's no love anymore, no nothing. I seriously regretted getting married. Just because of the 4k baby bonus I've to suffer so much at this place? Fuck it. But like what everybody say "You made the choice yourself, you have to responsible for it and not blame anybody". Fine, I resign to my fate. I want a divorce, but there's so many things else to think of. Not want divorce just divorce. Fuck my life seriously.

I used to play the part of his gf. Like you now, having to tolerate his lies, and his flirt habit, and not forgetting his ex-gf. For 2 years, I went through all that heartache but ends up forgiving him over and over again. Seriously it seems like we're going through the same, just that we play different parts. You're his gf now, and I'm his ex-gf. I doubt this cycle will ever stop. One day, I'll stop being in his life anymore. You'll be his ex-gf, and he'll have a new gf. He'll never change, so what's the point? If he really loves you, he wouldn't find someone else or hook back up with his ex-gf. I guess everybody just still wants to have fun. Let it be then.

So tired of explaining. So tired of hanging on. So tired of trying. So tired of everything. I'm giving up everything.

Math, Science and Geography exam is coming in less than 3 weeks time. I need to study but I really don't have the feel at all. Prepared to fail I guess. Hopefully I can take up early childhood at private school next year, if can't then I'll take international business at MDIS. If both cannot, then really GG. Don't need study already, because other than this 2 courses, I have no more other interest. Sighhhh. Why I not born smart or rich?!

2011-09-13T15:50:00.003+08:00

8 September 2011, Thursday

Hwee jio-ed us down to BQ to drink, went shebang first. 2 of Hwee's friend drunk! I think they don't drink often seriously, because they drink NOT alot but don't know why drunk. Hur hur. After settling them, about 1 or 2am, Hwee Cass Eric and I head over MBK. Met new friends there again lol. Went opposite of Orchard Plaza to eat after MBK closed, home aftermath.

9 September 2011, Friday.

Work at BZL. MBK aftermath. I think it's the first time it was this fun actually, we had total of 4 or 5 tables including ours. Don't know why that day everybody go. Keep run here and there, machiam working there. HAHA but seriously fun! Went to eat again opposite Orchard Plaza, home aftermath.

But during work was really fucked up, fucking quit working at BZL this time round. Pfft. Gonna boycott there!!

Left - Pond. Right - idk his name :/

10 September 2011, Saturday.

Work at Raining Bar. Supposed to meet Cass for dinner before work, but not enough time. Brought Kayven over to mum's place about 7/8pm. Went out to Tampines to meet her and head to work. Saturday at work like boring only. Nowhere to go aftermath either, went to geylang 126 to eat. Home after eating~

Left - Pond. Middle - idk his name. Right - nickname Micheal Jackson! HAHA
and actually we're not allowed to take photos inside, but managed to snap 2! hehe

11 September 2011, Sunday.

Supposed to head over Jayberl's 2nd birthday, but then by the time prepare finish already 8.30pm. At the same time, Hwee jio-ed MBK, so decided to not go chalet. Went to Tampines with Cass and sis about 9/9.30pm to eat first. Sis met Marcus after eating while Cass& I waited for Hwee to end work then went home with her. Waited an hour for her to bath and change, koksiang came down and meet us first. Cab over Orchard Plaza, sit inside MBK and wait for Eric to come. Being a good girl, that night I only drink 2 cups of beer :) AND I FINALLY LEARN HOW TO DO RUNNING MAN. HAHAH Cass jealous!! But then the floor there super sticky, so we pour water on the floor, give bouncers see until then thought what happened. LOL. Somemore the bouncer purposely check Cass& my IC before entering MBK! -_- &Hwee "flower eat" seriously. I think she falling in love with Pond already, keep say he very cute. Cute meh?! That night, she hang total of 90$ worth of flower for him. Woah give me the money better! Waste money lor.

Anyway, that night 5 people in total, only 4 of them drink and they open 2 towers. Aftermath got 2 towers free given by somebody who couldn't finish and went off. 1 left half? another one full. woah, lucky that night I don't feel like drinking if not sure vomit out all. I HATE BEER. Same routine - went to eat after MBK closed > home.

12 September 2011, Monday.

Sis came over about 6pm. Work at Raining, 9pm. Not much people so Kelvin let me go back at 1am. Went over BZL to clarify about my pay, then went back home. Boring day~~

--

Actually I verrrrryyyyy lazy to blog. I think next post onwards I'll just post pictures. Hur hur. Past 5 nights drink drink drink until today feel fucking shag. Shall stay home and save energy for tomorrow ladies night! This week schedule full again. Thursday& Friday - Work. Saturday - Club. Sunday - Chalet. Looking forward though!

2011-09-08T14:02:00.002+08:00

31 August 2011, Wednesday.

Happy 17th Birthday, Jie En! Faster 18 la, then can go club/thai disco with us. Hur hur.

Anyway, met Mum& sis about 7 or 8pm at Tampines Ding Tai Fung to eat, so as to celebrate sis' birthday. Walk walk around, then head back mum's place about 10.30pm to cut cake. Back to Pasir Ris aftermath. Super short day~

2 September 2011, Friday.

Brought Kayven over to mum's place in the noon. Was supposed to watch FD5 with Cass, but she ended up cancelling it. So went to watch it with sis instead at Tampines, 3.30pm show. Had lunch before the show, and sis almost can't go in! The stupid aunty wanted to check our IC's. But even when she see my sis IC, she also allow her in. Stupid much? Anyway, the show wasn't as gore as I thought it'd be. I still prefer Saw than FD! I'm sick I know -_- Waited for Cass to come meet me after show ended and sis went home aftermath. Went to Orchard to meet Corina, ate at Shokudo @ Orchard Cineleisure for dinner. Nowhere to go aftermath and we stood outside cine for a long time after our meal. Walked around 313 then headed to work at 8.30pm.

Went Avatar after work. But then go in not long, got fight. wtf somemore they fight towards our direction, we so poor thing kena disturb by them. And my poor bag kena squash when they're fighting. Luckily one of the bouncer took it, Cass saw then take for me. And luckily my bag waterproof kind, if not GG. So many shattered glass pieces on my bag! :( So smelly somemore. So Cass and I decided to head over neverland to join our another group of friend while Hwee& bf, Corina& Matthew's sis went home first. Eric joined us though.

Not really that fun, not really that boring either. Average? Anyway, they "stole" other people's barrel of beer. HAHA fucking funny, and they still wanted to steal somemore when neverland closing -_- Anyway, neverland closed at 5.30am. Went off and we all don't know why at downstairs for so long. Eric wanted to eat, so we went off to mac first. Home aftermath!

3 September 2011, Saturday.

Slept at mum's place. And got shocked when I wake up! Woah didn't realised I sleep for so long, wake up see the time 7pm! Not forgetting I've work at 9pm, so texted Derrick telling him I'd be reaching work at 10pm instead. Rush back to Pasir Ris then rush to work. Ended work at 4am, then send friend's friend to Airport. His flight at 5am, but don't know why delayed to 6am. So they decided to eat at mac and wait for time to pass. Home aftermath. Was actually frigging tired, but can't sleep!

4 September 2011, Sunday.

Brought Kayven over to mom's place about 9+am. But she went to church, so I woke sis up. Hehe. Put Kayven under her care for few hours while I went out to eat. Went home about 1pm? Saw daddy at home sleeping and Kayven still playing happily. Unknowingly, I fell asleep in the noon when I'm not supposed to!! Ended up waking up at midnight, see sis not asleep yet. Asked her for Chinese letter writing format, look at the time then go back sleep again lol.

5 September 2011, Monday.

Woke up at 6am because having chinese exam! Paper 1 abit shitty. Letter writing I've no idea how to read the question, so I screwed that up. Hopefully composition will pass even though I wrote alot of rubbish. Hur hur. Went back home put the heavy dictionary first then headed to Tampines Mart for mac breakfast with sis. Back to East Spring Secondary School for paper 2. Ok I guess? Actually I aim to pass my Chinese can already, in school forever fail because I never take it seriously. But this time I do properly, so if never pass means my chinese really like shit. Anyway, went back home awhile then headed to Tampines Mall. Watched Cars 2, 2.30pm show. Headed to kallang to meet Evania to study Social Studies. But cannot concentrate! So give up. Ate dinner at Old Airport Road then cab back~

6 September 2011, Tuesday.

Woke up at 6am again. Social studies paper. I thought I'd confirm fail because for the whole social studies, I only know 2 chapters clearly. Hur hur. But then the person who created this year paper must be loving me, because guess what! All the questions that came out are from the 2 chapters I know! HAHAHA see already fucking happy! Hope I pass! But Geography sure pull my marks down, like that combined humanities = fail T_T Went back home to dig books out, shower then head over Simei to meet Cass. Was supposed to study but both of us no mood. Ended up walking around Simei, and trying to find for gong cha but can't find! :( About 7pm, went to Tampines Mart to get milk powder and saline then to mum's place because Cass wanted to see Kayven. Cab back at 10pm.

7 September 2011, Wednesday.

Again with waking up at 6am because of English exam. Frigging tired because previous night sleep late. Paper 1 composition really don't know how to write! I think out of point lor, but letter writing alot things to write. Hur hur. Paper ended, went to Tampines Mart coffeeshop alone sit for 30 min then go back for paper 2. Finally when paper 2 ended, feel so happy because September no more paper! Next paper in October! Waited for sis to come to have lunch together at Tampines Mart, after eating waited for Nanny to join us then head back to pasir ris together. Nanny play with Kayven till he so happy, keep laughing hehe. Sis went out about 3.30pm because she have tuition. Nanny start giving me math tuition at late afternoon, but we do abit only and started talking alot. -_- Cass came about 5+pm? So we 3 talk talk talk in the living room while waiting for Kayven to wake up. Taught Nanny how to play the piano, teach her until I ownself forget wtf. Kathy& husband suddenly come and visit Kayven when he was eating his dinner. They brought him out for awhile, so I went over to central's pasamalam about 9pm with my 2 girls. Back here after eating and talking~

--

Forget to mention that I've already quitted working at Raining Bar. Initially work 2 pubs because wanted more income, but it's really busy and stressful. But I quit because of exams! Wanted to concentrate studying more, so just continue work at BZL only. People come BZL support me ok!! Love you mak mak!! LOL

Kayven's big one chalet is confirmed! Will be celebrating on the 15 Oct, Saturday! Can't wait can't wait! Hehe. But I'm still deciding about the food, neo garden or YLS catering? And whether to make a miniture BBQ with my friends on 14 Oct, Friday. Suggestions on my formspring thank you! :)

2011-08-29T09:16:00.002+08:00

Accidentally took his photo with flash and this is what his face looks like. LMAO

My life seems so lifeless again. Everyday either work > have fun > sleep and over again OR stay home sleep the whole day. -_- So that's the reason why I'm not updating often. And my immune system is being a bitch. I get sick easily, especially having fever every now and then. Really irritating! I hate being sick! Hate the torture of having headache, running rose and bad cough! But my worse fear is passing it to Kayven. If he sick also, my heart pain too :(

Anyway, why the hell is my formspring dead?! Nobody asks me question for more than 2 weeks already. I think nobody reads my blog anymore, I'm shall close it down soon. Oh well~

Went to Apple's baby shower on the 21 August btw. Town with sis first, headed over about late afternoon. Sis went home about evening while I stayed to play mahjong till late. Lost 25$ wtf. And I swear Mitchell so cute!! Makes me miss Kayven when he's just a month old too :( Big boy now already, so naughty!!

2011-08-21T08:25:00.002+08:00

Asked him to smile he open his mouth -_-

So many times I miss being a Stay At Home Mum. Because I miss waking up in the morning with Kayven, looking at him smiling at me the first thing when I open my eyes. I miss playing with him, feeding him, bathing for him, going out for him. Most importantly, NOT neglecting him even for a minute. But I can't do it now, all because of night life. I can't wake up to take care of him in the morning, most of the time I wake up at late afternoon time. I don't spend much time with him. I don't know why, but I feel that he doesn't like it this way either. Each and every time I head to work, there he will be crying and screaming. It's hard leaving, but I left with a heavy heart. Sigh.

Yet, I can't quit my job. I don't have a husband who have money to support us 3. I don't have parents-in-law and parents that's willing to support both Kayven and I. All I have is myself. Ever since I've decided to keep Kayven by my side, is the day I learn to be independent. I've been through shitty days whereby I've to ask my mum to buy milk powder for Kayven, whereby I've to eat maggie everyday every meal. I don't want to lead poor days anymore, I don't want Kayven to lack of anything.

Many told me to find a day job, it's all better and more "decent". Having to explain so many times, I'm still gonna say it here. Having a day time, needs me to hire a babysitter or put Kayven in infant care. Hiring a babysitter is not just anyhow pick one, I need to find somebody I can trust and somewhere near to me. It goes to the same to infant care, I don't know the teachers/caregivers there are how good becuz I can't see how they're gonna take care of my boy. I don't feel secure just handing him to them. Besides that, babysitter/infant care takes up about 600-800$, depends. Day job I can only find sales, morning till night with a pay of 1.2k before CPF. Now you see, half of my pay is gone. Where is there still enough for us? Not forgetting babysitter/infant care both 7am-7pm. Who's going to pick him up at 7pm when PM is not able to? Nobody.

Though having to tolerate alot of fucked up things when working nightlife, like rumors. Like having to stand boss unhappy face when there's no/less customers. Like getting scolded every now and then. Like having to pretend that I'm cheerful 18 years old girl. But it's the only choice I have now. Gotta continue standing strong, I can't give up. Endure till 2012 and everything will be over. 4 months more! I can do it!

Kayven's 10th Month

2011-08-17T04:34:00.001+08:00

10th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml of formula milk 4 hourly.
Loves to "beat" the water when bathing and laugh happily.
Cannot leave him alone, once he knows you're walking away straight away cry.
Knows when attempting to put him back in playpen/walker, will scream and cry if he doesn't wants to be in it.
Holds on tightly whenever you carry him
Knows when momma is angry and scolding him
Knows when momma count 1.. 2.. need to stop crying/screaming/whining becuz momma will beat little hand
Can stand without support for 5 seconds
Likes to open drawer and take things out anyhow throw
Finally teething!! One bottom tooth coming out soon!!

Food he tried:

Durian
Only organic oatie apple breakkie
Only organic creamy rice pudding
Only organic mango rice pudding
White bread
Gerber puffs, banana flavour
Heinz biscotti, chocolate and apple flavour

2011-08-07T22:21:00.002+08:00

I'm just bored..... Want to blog but have no idea what should I blog about. Hmm.

5 August 2011, Friday.

Woke up at 1.30pm, nua awhile on the bed. Went to bath and prepare at 2.30pm, headed over mom's place at 3.30pm. Went to sim lim with friend about 4pm, changed my BB housing to pink! So pretty now! Headed over Orchard to eat about 6/6.30pm, had Ajisen for dinner. Walked around and went in LV to see my pretty bag that I've been aiming for years! $1010 T_T But I'm going to have it by end of this month! Woohoo! Went to get cake at Wheelock place then headed to work at Raining Bar, 10pm-3am. Corina, Matthew&sis, Yaohui came down to drink. Hwee, Ying, Baba, Joseph came down to celebrate Zhengcheng's 18th. Ying&baba left early for movie, Corina&co went off at 2am. Hwee&co waited for me till end work and headed to MBK with Edward&co. Had fun there, and we're forever dancing like silly. LMAO. Left about 5.30am, went to 444 to eat with Cass and "cockroach". Went back to mom's place and slept there.

6 August 2011, Saturday.

Supposed to head over TM in the noon, but didn't in the end. Slept till late afternoon, came back here about 6pm. Bath and changed, headed over to E!hub to collect lens from Jesslyn. Ate at Fish&Co express with mom and sis, and took the train alone to work at 9pm. Work 10pm-3am again. And MBK again after work, with Cass and Matthew& his friends. Abit boring yesterday actually, becuz they keep singing songs! Went to eat mcd aftermath and was laughing nonstop at stupid jokes! Home about 7+(?) I've no idea what time actually, only know that I'm fucking tired! Straight K.O when I reached back here. Hur hur.

--

And it's the 7th of the month again today. Didn't realised it until after eating dinner at TM and was walking back from bus stop. Sigh :( If I don't realised it, I won't have the feel to go out and drink. I rather I not know seriously. Abit lazy to go out, but bet I can't sleep tonight. Gonna prepare and wait for people to come fetch me down Grand Hollywood. Kbai.

2011-08-03T19:20:00.003+08:00

2 August 2011, Tuesday.

Yesterday was really a bad day for me. I didn't eat for the entire day, I've to take care of cranky baby(don't know what's up with him recently, keep crying), wanted to leave for work already yet PM not back yet. Nobody's home at all actually, so I fed him milk and coax him to sleep! Didn't thought of calling boss telling him something cropped up, only think of rushing to work :( So no choice left Kayven at home alone sleeping, luckily PM came back less than 30 min after I left! So worrying! Anyway, then it gets even worse when I bloody hell sprain my foot while walking from the corridor to the lift. It wasn't that painful, still can walk almost properly. Until I geh kiang, at workplace sit down keep press my foot as well as keep walking, so it got hell worse that I can't even walk at all. Make me hop around BZL like some retard, and people have to carry me down to car. Damnit. Ended work at 1.30 or 2am, then rested there till 3am before heading to CGH to see doctor. Anyway, did X-Ray, lucky never fracture just sprain. Bandage my left foot and headed over Tampines Mall. It was over 4am, but no breakfast! They say 5.15am then have, urgh. So had heavy supper and went back~ Laughed like mad woman with @casscassy becuz of Shawn. Full of rubbish -_-

1 August 2011, Monday.

Work back at BZL! Actually I'm working at both pubs right now :) Surprisingly not that boring becuz there's a few tables! There's new waitress at BZL! She's called Diana/ahgirl. And guess what! She's 28 this year, but really don't look like! I wish I can still look young in 10 years time too! Anyway, work ended at 3am and headed over some place to eat tze char. Super fattening, everyday supper seriously. Went back aftermath~

30 July 2011, Saturday.

Work again at Raining Bar. Ended at 3am and headed over Central Mall with our "new friends". Went BZL2 awhile first then went to Nana. Keep trying to learn how to do running man but seriously fail -_- I don't know why I hop instead of sliding my feet, stupid I know. But just wait! One day I will do it! Hehehe. Anyway, wanted to cab home after nana closed, but no cab! On call also don't have, so we walked over Chinatown wanting to eat, in the end also never eat. Keep walking walking walking~ -_- In the end also sat there wait for cab! Think I came back about 7+ again, wanted to tolerate till 10am then go prepare meet my mum and sis, but I fell asleep! Too tired!

29 July 2011, Friday.

Work again at Raining Bar. Ended at 3am and headed over MBK~ Kinda boring that day. But we knew new friends there LOL. Went to eat after MBK close, talk cock then go back. Reached home fucking late, 7+am!

27 July 2011& 28 July 2011. Wednesday& Thursday.

Work at Raining Bar with Cass. Keep kena scolded by Kelvin becuz we keep sticking together, and I keep slacking :\ And there air con spoil, fucking warm when it's crowded! Can't remember if we went anywhere after work, sorry ah my memory abit lousy.

26 July 2011, Tuesday.

Met Cass for dinner, headed over KKH to visit apple while she headed to work at Raining Bar. But reach damn late, almost 9pm! Lucky still can go in visit, and she closed the curtain so I hid inside until 10+pm then leave. Hehe. Mitchell so cute! Reminds me for newborn Kayven! Again, congrats to Apple for the arrival of her baby boy! Welcome to Motherhood! And take good care during confinement! Gonna visit her again soon when I've time! ^_^

2011-07-25T01:05:00.002+08:00

It was my last day of work at BZL last night, self proclaimed though because I've yet to tell Derick about wanting to quit. Wednesday or Thursday will be my first day working at Raining Bar! It's also located at Boat Quay, so people come down and support me okay! :)

Headed to Grand Hollywood after work on Friday and Saturday. I think the bouncer still don't believe I'm 18. Forever check my I.C when he check it like more than 10 times already and will keep staring at my photo. Don't look like me meh?! But Hollywood's boring actually. Still prefer MBK and Neverland.

It's Monday tomorrow, or rather, it's already Monday since it's past midnight. Will be meeting my baby girl for dinner at Bedok 85! Hopefully baby hwee join us too! Hahaha, I've been practically calling all my girls "baby". Actually I've no idea what to blog.. So you, the reader, can just click the "X" button k!

Maybe we should just give up. Maybe we shouldn't fight anymore. Maybe none of this is worth it at all. Maybe, just maybe. But whenever I'm starting to get sick and tired of this, whenever I tell myself to give up, I can NEVER do it. I don't know what's my fucking problem. I've no idea why am I still thinking there's hope but obviously, there's none. You admit it too, telling me that we're getting nowhere. So why are we still hanging on to nothing? Over a year odd, I still cannot figure out if this is love, or we just got used to "us". I don't even know what are we. More than friends, less than lovers. Not best friends, what is it exactly? So many questions at the back of my mind that I can never get answers.

Not forgetting wanting to rant about a lifeless bitch who stalks me like some mother fucker. I'm really getting real pissed with it. You wanna check where your boyfriend goes, with who, yes that's not my problem. But it's my problem when you start asking your bloody friend, whoever it is, to check where am I too. Fucking unreasonable, arrogant, act cute, act pathetic, find friend, 16 years old girl. Fuck off from my life already.

2011-07-18T13:59:00.003+08:00

Spot that boy!! LMAO

Hi, my life's been the same as the last few weeks when I've started working night life. It's either work or stay at home look after Kayven. Too lazy to bring him out as he's getting real heavy, and what's worse is he prefer people carrying then being in his stroller. So yup, haven't been bringing him out for a long time. Except for short, near trips like to Whitesands or my house.

But Kayven made me day last night!! We were walking back home from Tampines Mart after our dinner, and I asked him to call "mama". He called twice!! Mad happy!! Even my sis heard it!! Finally know, I waited for him to call for so long!! Love him sooooo much!!

And I really DON'T WANT to live with this guy anymore. Becuz everyday, he is getting even more ridiculous. I need to book another counseling date ASAP, becuz I overslept my previous appt, end up didn't go until now they haven't call me also. Maybe they thought I change my mind, but I will never! Last time my mother check my phone, then this fag also do the same. Annoying the fuck out of me. It's not that I've something to hide you, you want to know what you ask me face to face, don't fucking check things behind my back like I'm a fucking criminal. I just don't want you to ever fucking TOUCH MY phone, ME, or any of MY other belongings. I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with you even though we're not legally divorced yet. But just fuck off from my life already.

K enough of that. Anyway, I finally saved up 1.2/3k within such short period of time! Aiming to save up to 3/4k by oct! Hopefully can lo! Decided to book Kayven's big one birthday at Costa Sands Pasir Ris, 14 Oct, it's a Saturday! Looking forward to it tho still have 3 months! Time really flies lo~

Hopefully I can keep to my budget of spending 100$/week only! Might be changing pub btw, BZL way too boring. Hur hur. Hopefully can find another better pub at BQ! Kayven's awake, gonna play with him now. Update again soon!

Kayven's 9th Month

2011-07-17T04:34:00.000+08:00

9th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml of formula milk 4 hourly.
Breakfast milk+cereal, porridge for lunch&dinner, snack time biscuits, puree and fruit juice.
Knows how to say mama like finally!!& mum mum, ta ta ta ta clearly. The rest baby language I've no idea what he's saying!
Knows how to suck from straw
Able to take a few steps with his push walker
able to walk with support
knows how to hold his biscuits and feed himself

Food he tried:

Only organic fruit gel, mango peach.
Gerber puffs, peach.
Soy bean milk
Plain white bread
Scallop+potato porridge
Scallop+spinach+carrot/potato porridge
Pork+carrot+potato porridge

Check up on 18 July 2011.

Head circumference: 43cm
Height: 71cm
Weight: 7.74kg

2011-07-11T13:21:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but it's really hard for me to decide what I really want. Sometimes I feel being this way is better, but another second, I changed my mind. Hate being so contradicting and fickle minded. Why can't I just stick to my decision till that task is completed. I really hate living in lies every single day. I want this to just end already, but I realised I don't have the courage to bring the truth out, fearing that one by one will just leave me. I don't know since when I started bottling everything inside of me. Becuz I know I wasn't like that in the past, I'd talk it out with my favourite girls then. Or maybe becuz I don't even approve of what I'm doing now that's why I chose to keep quiet. I guess I screwed up my own life.

Sometimes I just want to be a full time momma to Kayven, taking care of him 24/7, seeing him grow up everyday. Lead how a normal small family would be, not like this, so broken.

Yet sometimes, I want to live back how a 18 years old girl would. Working part time in a pub, partying out there, no stress over so many fucked up matters. Studying, taking my N level cert then taking a diploma cert.

I guess in everybody's eyes, I'm just a total fucked up failure, good for nothing. A failure being Kayven's momma. A failure being my parent's daughter. A failure as a wife. A failure in studies. A failure in everything. I'm just somebody who wants to have fun and throw everything else aside, waiting for someone to clear up my mess. Yes, that's what everybody thinks.

But have you ever thought that, if I just want to play, why would I even bother keeping Kayven, pregnant for 9 months and then giving birth to him. Why would I even get married just becuz I want Kayven to stay by my side, not giving him up to adoption like how my mum wanted me to. It's not easy, it never was.

Ever since I decided to keep Kayven, he was and never will be just an option to me. He's my priority. I'll let him have the best and nothing but the best. If this place and give him a better future, I don't mind letting him stay here becuz I don't want him to suffer when he's with me. I'm only asking for one thing, that's to have him stay with me every weekend if he really stays here. BUT still, I'd very much want him to go with me. I don't want to miss out his growing process. I don't want him, in the future, to think that momma doesn't wants him or that the people brain wash him telling nasty things about me. No, I really don't want that.

I really can't stay with somebody like him anymore. There's nothing between us anymore, but having a divorce is going to taking fucking years. This is shit seriously. And what's worse, I can't move back to my mum's place until the tenants move out becuz I've no place to stay. Can somebody save me?!

I don't even know why I'm posting my personal matters on the net where anybody can view. But fuck, I really need to rant. Forget it. kthxbai

busy busy busy

2011-07-06T12:48:00.002+08:00

Momma bought me a new pooh bear!

Hi all! I've been busy with work recently thus haven't been updating for 2 weeks. Work is getting boring every week actually, becuz weekdays always not much customers. Soooo boring. Still loving every Friday and Saturday! But I sort of got drunk last night, sort of only ah, cried in front of customers. Called up my favourite girl while crying and she rushed down straight, but then by the time she reached, I'm ok already. Hur hur, got scolded from her. And uh, I'm so not used to going home straight after work, so went Grand Hollywood at Clarke Quay. Again, semi drunk. Seems like I can't drink, but they pour the martell almost whole cup la -_-

Actually, I feel that I'm not being a good momma to Kayven recently. I've been neglecting him due to work, becuz when he wake up I sleep, I wake up evening time, eat dinner, prepare for work and out. No time for him unless I wake up earlier. :( Buying things for him hoping it'd make myself feel better, but like useless. Why like thaaaat. When I work, I no time with him. When I don't work, we got no money. This is shit lor seriously. If I change to day job, I need spend babysitter money, not worth it lo. Becuz even if day job, I can only find sales line. So what's the point right. Urgh.

Anyway, wanna rant abit. 3 assholes make me fucking boil last night. Don't wanna say who, but they made me end up not sleeping. GREAT, now my dark circles are worse than panda. But then again, on the brighter side, I can stay awake and accompany my baby. Hehe he was so smiley, laughy and talkative in the morning. So cute and naughty! Decided not to sleep till night time! Can't wait for today to be over, Wednesday is boringgg~

I've nothing much to blog about actually. Maybe I'll update again when I think of something? But I'm deciding to close my blog, since I've no time to update and I doubt anybody reads lo -_- k whatever bai.

Sick baby

2011-06-18T18:04:00.002+08:00

Darling's been coughing badly for the past one week, but things got really worse yesterday when we were on our way back home from polyclinic. He was actually happily playing on the bus, but he started coughing and vomited ON ME like a merlion. Super shock! Then he started to have diarrhea when we're back home. And he vomited a second time like merlion after he drink finish his milk, this time also cough till vomit. He diarrhea a total of 5 or more times yesterday! PM's mum came back after dinner and brought him to CGH A&E, while I went to work worrying about darling. Luckily he needn't be warded, doctor just gave him medicine. Oh, not forgetting he got fever when he reach CGH. :(

My poor baby now no strength to cry and scream as before and no strength to play. All he does is nua on the bed, and wriggle like a worm. Whining now and then, wanting people to carry him. :( Plus he've bad nappy rash due to all those shitting! I really hope he get well soon! I want my happy baby back!

Anyway, it's Father's day tomorrow and I've yet to get anything for daddy! I really have no idea what to buy! Wanted to buy wallet, but then he've already gotten a new one himself recently. >:( Wanted to buy clothing, but don't know if he'd like it. Ahhh so headache. Hopefully darling will feel better tomorrow so he can head out with us for Father's day dinner.

Uh, darling's awake from his nap. Update again soon!

Kayven's 8th Month

2011-06-17T04:34:00.000+08:00

8th Month progress:

Drinks 240ml of milk+cereal all day except evening milk only.
Eat a meal a day only, about late afternoon time.
Able to stand without support for 1-3 seconds
NOT teething yet!!
Knows how to give 5 when we say high 5
Don't like to change pampers -_-
Always cry when he see me walking around when other people carry him becuz he want me to carry! Sticky baby!
knows when we are scolding him and will really cry with tears!
super talkative
love to climb to a standing position& free himself, smiling happily when he land
love standing ALOT, still hate lying down.
love to beat the table, bed, in fact everything, even me
love sticking out his tongue

Food he tried:

Pasta stars with heinz organic tender beef with vegetable mash
Only organic golden fruits porridge
Heinz parsnip carrot and sweet potato
Heinz apple and banana cereal
Gerber applesauce
Baby bites, carrot flavour
Pigeon's mantou spinach flavour (not very like)

Check up on 17/06/11:

Height: 71cm
Weight: 7.7kg

2011-06-15T00:36:00.002+08:00

Had a really tiring week last week! Among the 7 days, I work for 5 days! So deprived of sleep seriously! But I'm starting to love my life again. Hehe. Every night when I work, I only think of money and nothing else! Becuz that's the main reason why I'm working right!

This week schedule: Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday! But I wanna work on Friday becuz Cass& Co coming down to drink! I don't want to go down as customer, I want money money! :( Shall ask them tomorrow again.

Anyway, 13/06 Monday, went Kbox with Cass! Seriously, we always talk more than sing. LOL. But we had an hour free, no idea why either! 10pm - 2am, walked back to pm's crib while Cass took cab back from here. Couldn't sleep till 4am odd!

PM's mum brought Kayven to Polyclinic this morning while I was still sleeping. Becuz of his bad cough and mosquitoes bites! He have a total of big, red bites of his limbs! So poor thing, confirm damn itchy :( Uh, I woke up only at 4+pm. Not becuz I woke up on my own, but becuz Kayven cried! And then I unknowingly fall asleep at 6+pm(?) again till about 9pm. Wasted my time away sleeping when I wanted to go shopping today! Fucktard :( But all I hope now is I can sleep early, at least by 2 or 3am. It's already 1:16AM right now omg T_T

Kayven's turning 8 months old on Friday! 4 more months to his big one! So excited though still quite long actually! Hur hur. Decided on opening chalet, but don't know to open buffet there or bbq? Suggestions plz!

Madness

2011-06-06T02:02:00.003+08:00

Hui Min's son playing with Kayven!

Had an awesome and tiring week!

I can't remember what I did and where I went on Monday and Tuesday though. -_-

Wednesday - Friday : WORK. And work is hell fun seriously. Though wearing heels made many blisters pop out from my feet, and having to drink like one kind, but overall it's really fun! And I made 8 bottles of commission! Hehe. Though not much, but so much better than previously at Honey Pub. Bosses at Bao Zhi Lin is treating me real good too, especially Jason!

Cass, Gary, Ying, Baba, Evania, Zed, Matthew, Jing yi& bf came down to support me as well as celebrating Yao Hui's(I don't know how to spell his name actually -_-) 21st advance birthday on Friday! So most of the time I was sitting at their table drinking, playing games and singing songs, more like customer than working. Hur hur.

Gonna get pay this Tuesday if I'm not wrong! Money money come to me! I spent away all my earning from blogshop unknowingly when I'm not supposed to! :( But nvm, mommy will be giving me my allowance tmr! As well as hus giving me next Friday! I need to plan how to use this month wisely again before spending like free again! Eying on many clothes for myself and Kayven online already! omg I really wish I have a rich husband damnit T_T

Anyway, Saturday went to Yvonne's baby full month with Apple at Redhill! I overslept due to work last night which made me mad tired. Met her at Pasir Ris before heading over. Hang around there for awhile and headed to Expo for motherhood fair and john little mega sales. Bought 6 big bottles of organic puree for darling! 6 for 15$ only! Cheap actually! But ah, I really need to stop buying food for him, he still have so many at home! Bought 2 sets of home clothes for him, and a set of tom&jerry outing clothes over at john little sales! Wanted to eat aftermath, which was around 10pm but everywhere close -_- Headed over Changi Airport to have BK since it's 24 hours! Home when we're done, which was about 11.30pm!

Uh, Kayven is really running out of clothing, outgrown of all of it so fast! I really need to sell away his small little clothing to make space! Anybody knows of a fast way to do so? Forum is too slow, and I'd rather sell than give away becuz it's really new, he only wore each of it less than 10 times. Bought it rather pricey too. :( HOWWWWW?!

Today - Headed over to niangjia in the evening. Wanted to go early, about 2pm but then I fell asleep while waiting for hus to bath finish -_- I swear I'm depriving of sleep rather badly. What's worse, I woke up with bad flu and sore throat. Urgh. I really hope I wont get fever! Anyway, went over 201 to have dinner. OH FUCK. And I just remember that I asked daddy to buy durians home but forget to eat!! >:( k fine nth much to blog about anymore and it's getting boring I know.

damnit it's already 3am, and I'm meeting Cass for shopping tomorrow! I need to sleep now! kthxbye!

2011-05-30T02:21:00.002+08:00

somehow, i kinda miss being loved by you even though i've gave up on us. i miss how much you used to care about me. i miss the way we squeezed on a single bed to sleep. i miss the eagerness of wanting to see you and pour everything out. i miss the happiness of seeing you. i miss how much you've helped me in the past. i miss how you looked at me and notice something is wrong. i miss our past so much. im tired of living everyday quarelling over fucked up issues. but you're really way too unreasonable and insensitive now. i dont want to mention them anymore, i dont want to make it sound like ive regretted. i dont want this to go on anymore, i really dont. even though i miss us, the old us. but i dont want to drag this any further, things never ever be back to how it was. i get annoyed easily when you touch me or come close to me. i get annoyed whenever you talk. so many times when you dont act as if you're 20, thats the worse part. everything you do or say is just irritating me. i didnt say any fucking single thing doesnt mean i dont mind seriously. or perhaps its also becuz you've gave up on us, you know that it will all end soon. im so sick of my life, so many times i just feel like dying.

2011-05-30T00:06:00.002+08:00

Out with hus' family to NEX yesterday, met up with of all his relatives to have belated Mother's Day dinner. Yes, I know it's way too belated. -_- Anyway, we went in to eat at crystal jade korean bbq about 5pm. Not much choices there and I think totally NOT worth the money. One person about 30$! Uh, I can't remember what time we finished eating, but I think it was around 8pm or so. All of them went home while I wanted to walk around there, bought nothing though. Had stupid argument in the mall with hus, but ah forget it don't mention about it anymore. Can't remember what time we went home too, prolly 10/11pm or so.

Ahhh my insomnia came back! I was feeling really tired yesterday but I couldn't sleep! Keep turning and tossing till 4am -_-

Woke up late today due to insomnia the previous night. Headed to niangjia about 5pm. Mommy and daddy played with Kayven as usual. Went to 400plus to have dinner as well as collecting stroller and high chair from daddy's friend about 7pm. Back home about 9pm and cab back to hus' place at 10pm~

Uh ok, I know I'm posting uninteresting things. I wanted to blog about something else but I changed my mind. So k forget it. Before I forget, I wanna "advertise" for this!!
This pacifier wipes is really super handy to me!! As I'm a bloody lazy person, when Kayven drops his pacifier or teether I wouldn't bother going to the nursing room and rinse those items with hot water. I'd just keep it back in my bag and not let him use it anymore. But then, I'd have nothing to distract him with and he'd want people to carry instead of sitting/lying in his stroller when we're out. With this now, I can just wipe it while continuing my shopping and let him use again! Hehe good right?! Lazy mommies like me MUST get this!! Highly recommended!!

Oh, and I'm starting work on Wednesday instead of yesterday. Hur hur. Keep postponing it! But it's because I can't make it on time, oh well~ I hope I can cope working there, one week work 2 days. One month can at least get 500$, better than nothing! Not forgetting that mommy and hus giving me 100$/month so I'd have 700$! Money money come to me~

Kthxbye update again soon!

Starting work soon!

2011-05-24T23:13:00.001+08:00

Went out with Apple yesterday! Met her about 2.30pm, headed over Lavender for a short while first > AMK. Walk walk around, Apple collected things from a mommy on forum, wanted to visit Yvonne but she didn't reply us till 5pm+, so we went off to City Hall! Had our dinner at Marina Square and went to Kiddy Palace to get some essential items for our babies. Slacked around and went home about 10pm? Nice hanging out with her though, hope we can get to meet up more!

Went to Bugis today with Cass. Wanted to buy that pretty leopard wedges but doesn't have my size as usual! Damnit, feel like pulling my feet or go some surgery that can make my feet bigger! My feet are way too small for me to get any pretty heels! So angry! Anyway, we walked around bugis street, bugis junction and haji lane. Bought nothing~ Corina, Gary and Matthew joined us about 7pm, had steamboat for dinner. Alvin came when we finished our food, and drove us home!

I know my blog is boring. My life is boring. :( Oh, I'm finally starting work on Thursday! Will be working at boat quay as waitress again, no choice okkk. If I have a choice of working day job, I will! But now I don't, so ah whatever. But still kind of dreading to go work, don't feel like working at all. Sigh why my life so sad T_T

I tend to buy alot of food for Kayven whenever we're out! He still have fish at home for porridge, I think can last another one or two days. As well as carrots and potatoes, can last for another at least 3-5 days! But I bought pasta stars today for him today! So eager to let him try, it's baby spaghetti btw. Oh, and I bought new box of baby bites for him yesterday, but I bought one more box of pigeon snack for him today too! Hur hur. Not forgetting he still have 8 more bottles of puree at home. I swear the kitchen table all his food, mine only instant noodles. So pathetic. His life lika shiok only, everyday eat sleep cry play. No problems and worries at all! Can I exchange life with him?!

Sometimes Kayven really makes me so bloody mad at home. There'll be times when he's all cranky and keeps crying for NO REASON at all seriously. Even when I carry him, feed him milk, change his diapers, give him pacifier, coax him to sleep, put ruyi oil for him, he STILL cry! Carry him also want to struggle. Times like those, when I really can't stand it anymore, I'll beat his fat thigh really hard and leave him to cry. And then I cry at the living room myself. Sometimes I think depression is knocking on my door again.

But again, most of the time he'll be all smiley and playing happily. Laughing in a funny way, doing funny faces, crawling around the bed, taking things and putting in his mouth when he shouldn't etc. Why he so naughty and cute?!

Uh, I just realised that it's 3am already. I need to sleep now! Update again soon? :)

Kayven's 7th Month

2011-05-17T04:33:00.000+08:00

7th Month Progress:

Drinks 240ml of milk+cereal in the morning and evening, afternoon and night milk only.
Eat porridge for lunch(1pm) and dinner(7pm).
Crawling at super fast speed now, have to keep my eyes locked on him! But still not crawling in the proper way.
Able to sit without support.
Able to stand with support.
Likes to sit in his walker, walking in super fast speed too. Likes to follow me wherever I go.
Trained him to be spoon fed already.
Loves bathing but doesn't like the aftermath of wearing clothes, put powder etc. Will keep rolling around the bed and cry when I'm wearing clothes for him.
No signs of teething yet, not even a single tooth! But drooling like free.
Super rough! Always beat/pinch me! Anyhow throw things his toys, tear paper, and mess up the whole house!
Knows how to lift his hand up when he wants people to carry him.

Food he tried:

Heinz strawberry and banana custard.
Heinz banana custard.
Heinz fruit salad yogurt.
Gerber peachers.
Gerber apple prune. (not very like)
Heinz egg custard. (still reject)
Heinz apple and banana cereal.
Heinz banana porridge. (not very like)
Baby choice's biscuit, strawberry flavour. (not very like)
Pigeon's biscuit, purple box(i forget what flavour)
Pigeon's biscuit, rice and fish snack. (not really like, i think too fishy!)
KFC's mash potato, only the white part.
Homecook sweet potato.
With/without ikan bilis soup base, carrot+potato porridge. (love it!)
Cod fish porridge (not very like, i think too fishy!)
Carrot+potato+broccoli porridge (give funny face, i think he dont like vege!)
Banana

Took 6-in-1 jab on 25 April 2011.

Weight: 7.3kg
Height: 67cm
Head circumference: 41cm

2011-05-12T16:42:00.002+08:00

I know I've been neglecting my blog for more than a week! I've been so busy everyday! Wake up in the morning, feed Kayven > Cook porridge for him > Bath him > Play with him till he's tired and sleep > Bath myself > Continue to play with him when he wakes up and feed him > Cook lunch for myself(maggie everyday -_-) > Eat > do housechores > Play with him, yeah you get it. My world revolves entirely around my little boy right now. I barely have time for myself! 2 days more and he's turning 7 months old! I really hope he learns to walk soon! He's getting real heavy to handle as he still prefers people carrying him! I think I'll have muscles soon!

Anyway, I've yet to find a night/evening job for myself. So now I'm officially declaring broke, AGAIN. T_T Left with 5 more months to save money for Kayven's first birthday! I think I'll just open chalet and invite friends, family and young mommies! I can't think of any other plans already. Oh well~

Fag's and my relationship is still not going well at all. Ok, I DID try to make things better, but it's all bullshit. I give up, and whatever he's doing just make me so sure of my decision. Like for instant, every weekends when he's home, when he wakes up in the morning, first thing wasn't checking on Kayven but play fucking dota. Play finish eat breakfast and get his fat ass back the bed and sleep till he's happy. No matter how loudly Kayven screams and cries, he wouldn't wake up. NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND. What the fuck seriously? He can have rest, what about me? He thinks I'm superwoman that doesn't needs rest?

Would you rather allow your child to be raise single handily by you or continue allowing your child to live in a broken family? Now I realised that a child having a father and a mother isn't complete family either. We quarrel all the time, in front of Kayven, even though he's still an infant, I guess he knows. You don't bother taking care of him at all, taking care isn't just carrying him for less than 30 min when you're happy and place him back in his playpen when you wanna watch TV or use the computer. You don't even bother about him when he's screaming and crying madly, 3 words you're best at "let him cry". Give me a break, will you.

I've made a wrong decision previously, and I wouldn't allow myself to make it second time. I couldn't be even more firm on my current decision right now. Nothing can make me change my mind. I wouldn't regret, because I know I've tried.

I've gotta go prepare and head to chalet now. So goodbye folks! Next entry will be updating on Kayven's 7th month progress :)

2011-05-04T14:48:00.002+08:00

Lil tiger happily laughing away

Funny face -_-

Actually I've nothing to blog about. Staying at home everyday routine the same~ Need to start some time planning thingy!

Anyway, I've decided opening IFairy lens preorder! I need a capping of 10 by 20 May! So helpppppp~~ 16.2mm, it's really pretty!! Selling at the lowest price of 24$!! Other blogshops selling price ranges from 26-28$!! So buy from ok peeps!!

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GEO& VIVIGO LENS

2011-05-01T17:10:00.004+08:00

Here to advertise for my own blogshop. Hur hur.

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13$/pair for 14.8/15mm lens, 12$/pair for normal lens!

5 pairs and above, 1$/pair less!

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Current capping 12/25!

BUY FROM ME OK!!

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Welcome stay home life.

2011-04-30T13:11:00.003+08:00

Frowny face

Hi sexy

Yweeeellow readers. I know I haven't been updating this space, but I doubt anybody even comes here. Anyway, I stated that I've quitted my job on 18 April, but Amy asked me to go back to work on 20 April till end of April. So yup, I went along with her idea since I need money to pay babysitter too. Yesterday was my last day of work! Welcome SAHM life! Gonna be taking care of Kayven all by myself till he goes to school! I hope I won't turn into a complete aunty seriously.

I think SAHM more stress than working mom actually! Firstly, I've to learn and know what ingredients to get. Then I've to learn to cook for Kayven and myself(I can't possibly eat maggie everyday right -_-). Secondly, I've to figure a way to cope with Kayven's playfulness and my studying. Thirdly, MONEY. At work, I just have to bear with some fucked up customers and sometimes the naggy boss. But at least I can concentrate self studying without any distractions. But money is still the main issue whether I'm working OR not. HAAAAI.

Okay, so now I'll probably get a part time night job better than nothing. I really hope 2011 just be over already. When 2012 comes, hus ORD > Work > No need to stress over money anymore! At least I don't need to deal with financially issues MYSELF.

When Kayven's cranky, nobody can stand him. When he's unhappy, he'll screamed so loudly as if somebody hit him or he fell down or something. Seriously, his screams are INTOLERABLE. But he's really wayyyyyyyy tooooooo adorable when he's all smiley and laughing and playing like last night. ^-^ Sometimes really, I don't know to be angry or happy with him omg.

Time flies~

2011-04-18T23:33:00.002+08:00

It's been 6 months ever since Kayven's born. I remember how afraid I was when I was having contractions, about how pain it'd be giving birth and about the tiredness I'd feel when he's out. But each and every time I see him smile and laugh in joy, as well as looking at him sleep just makes everything feels worthwhile. Looking at him growing everyday and learning new things, I wish he'd faster learn to walk and talk. But on the other hand, I wish he'd just stay as an infant forever! Babies sooo cute! Being a mom, I realised I need much more patience with my child. I realised that I've to give him the best, even if that is eating one less meal a day. I realised how much love I can give to him, just him and nobody else. I understand the worries my parents had for me. I finally know how my parents ever feel. Even though I can no longer take hours to prepare myself to go out, to go drinking with my friends every week, to do whatever I like. But it's nothing compared to having Kayven even though I rant at times. All I hope is him to be a good boy when he's older! But I will still love him no matter what! :)

I fired the boss today because she is way too unreasonable! I don't wanna explain why, but she's getting on my nerves. I just hope she pays me as soon as possible, as well as giving me the correct amount! Stupid stingy shit. Decided to stay home and look after Kayven as long as possible, probably till he goes to school about 2 years old? Fetching him back tomorrow! Gonna love my days with him! Oh, and I'm opening blog shop with Apple! Hope it goes well! Since I'm gonna be stay home mum, I shall start advertising my lens preorder too! Buy from me ok! Will update again when I get everything done!

Studies are getting stress for me. Nobody's able to help me in science, but I really don't want to fail! Somebody help me! N level is coming in few more months! T_T

Kayven's 6th Month

2011-04-17T04:33:00.000+08:00

6th month progress:

Drinks 240ml of formula+cereal every 5 hourly.
Likes to crawl around the bed, still hates to stay at one position of long.
Always imitate people.
Tried heinz egg custard and pear&banana but he doesn't like it, give kugua face.
Love his baby bites(veg&chicken flavour)
Don't like to be spoon fed, prefers to drink.
Drooling alot!
Able to sit without support for few minutes.
Knows how to reach his hand out if he want us to carry him.
Likes to anyhow pull and grab things to put inside his mouth to bite
Loves kicking in the water while bathing till i'm wet!

Alone

2011-04-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

I'm here to rant, so whoever that happens to read this entry can just close this page like RIGHT NOW. Hate times like this when you don't bother to tell me that you're not coming home due to whatever reasons in camp. Nothing at all. Seriously, you expect me to tell me where I'm going, who I'm with and what time I'm coming home. But you? Whenever you're not coming home, do you even fucking inform me? NO. Fuck you for that. You should know it very well that I fucking hate to be alone, but what the fuck this proves? That you don't bother. Don't ever ask me those fucked up questions anymore, I'm not going to fucking answer you. _|_ give you

I tend to you think of you when I'm alone, and I really hate it. For 3 years, I tried my best not to let go under any circumstances. I forgave you, for whatever you did behind my back yet I got to know the truth. I didn't care about what others say, because I believe somehow you'd change. It was pretty dumb of me, to think of it now. But it hit me that it's enough. All these waiting and patience, all these tolerating of nonsense from you. I don't want to see how much more can I take anymore, I don't wanna waste anymore time on somebody who doesn't care. It's not gonna be easy, but I really don't want to end up in square one again.

Sometimes I think about death because life is so fragile. What if I can never watch Kayven grows up in 10 years time? Or what if Kayven.... Okay shuddap, touch wood a million times. But sigh, I need to quit mind fucking myself with nonsensical thoughts. I need to rest early! Update again, probably this weekend if I've time or feel like it! Thursday tomorrow! Yes, Friday is coming and I can see my boy real soon! Want to hug him tightly so badly now! T_T

Trying

2011-04-11T13:42:00.004+08:00

Taken on 9 April 2011 - Smiley baby early in the morning!

Took leave today due to tiredness. Yawns. But still woke up at about 12.30pm, still early! Should've go work late instead of taking off! Tsk. Anyway, didn't go NEX as planned with lil family. MIL cooked lunch at home, my favourite kangkong! (Y) Ate at home and out to Tampines about 4pm - Kiddy palace to get Kayven's necessary items and had our lunch/dinner there before heading over to town. Cine first as Hus wanted to get cover for his BlackBerry. Stuck @ cine becuz of the rain! Waited for rain to stop, walked to Wisma > Ion to meet my godmum. Walked over to Paragon. Saw this malay baby boy in the nursing room! Super chubby and adorable! Super smiley too! Unlike Kayven :( Anyway, we walked to Taka aftermath. Walk here and there~ But didn't get to FEP. Went back about 10pm. Had mcd for supper and Kayven bad mood keep screaming while we're eating!

Sunday - Kayven cried at 10+am for milky, mad tired have to drag myself out of the bed. But couldn't sleep back so played with Kayven until 12pm. Screaming at Hus to wake up aftermath, bath prepare and all. Headed to niangjia about 2pm. Kayven started screaming and crying when we reach there and when he saw my daddy OMG -_- I think he don't know where is he and who's that. Non stop until he drink finished milky at 4pm and sleep. *Phew* I keep telling him that's gong gong but he still cry! Headache ah. Left about 5.45pm > Send Kayven back to Kathy's place. Back to Tampines about 8.30pm, met nanny there and she taught me math! Quite fruitful actually! Went home at 11pm.

We all know that a leopard won't change its spots, but somehow we all hope that that person we care for will prove us wrong. No, it doesn't work that way. It always that disappointing result that we get back. "If you ever loved 2 person at the same time, pick the second. If you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." How true, I guess it applies to you. So many times you tell me you cared, but how many times have you ever prove that? None. We're not even on talking terms now, I don't know if it's bad or good. Is it really a big deal inking that? Or is it just for you to show it off? From then till now, did you ever do something? As a responsibility? No, then what's that for? So many questions I wanna asked but realised that I shouldn't give a damn anymore. Since it's over, it's over. Don't come back, ever.

Also, I've decided to stop running backwards. Quit being a nuisance since it's not gonna work. Probably I should just listen to others for once, improve things with Hus. Let Kayven have a complete, happy family. That's what matters. I'm trying.

Busy

2011-04-07T23:45:00.003+08:00

Taken on 2 April'11 - Kayven likes to pose like that! Cheeky boy!

Didn't blog last weekend, so I'm here naoz! Went to Orchard with Kayven and Cass last Saturday, played mahjong till morning aftermath with Ying, Baba and Johnson. Wanted to go ink on Sunday, but overslept! Send Kayven back to Kathy's place quite late, left house about 9pm if I'm not wrong. Mad tired.

Work work work~ As boring as ever, sales as bad as ever. I realised that every sales job is boring. Because I'm always alone and there's not much customers! I want to go work @ downtown east instead! Looks more fun there! Always whatsapp-ing with Joseline during work hours, hilarious though! We're always talking nonsense!

Ah yes, finally it's Friday tomorrow! Can't wait to see him! This Saturday plan to head over NEX to check out babyspa and hello kitty items! This Sunday will go back niangjia before sending Kayven back to Kathy and night studies with my ladies at Tampines aftermath!

Decided today to NOT get ink afterall. What's so nice about getting yourself poke with needles and have that blueblack ink on your forever? I bet I'll regret, so I better not. And also, I've decided to make a habit of bringing Kayven back to mom's place every Sunday! Let Kayven get used to it, if not he wouldn't be close my parents when he's older and treat them like strangers, wouldn't be a good thing at all.

I still think Kayven prefers being at Kathy's place, he's always all smiley upon reaching there and seeing her. My heart falls into million of pieces each week I sees that and shatters even more as every week goes by. Maybe he thinks that it's his family there? Maybe he really doesn't like momma? Maybe..

3 years ago, I had this question in my mind "How long will we last?" But I somehow came to a conclusion that we wouldn't. Yet, time passes and now it's been 3 years. 3 incomplete years. So much happened in between. Now, "how long will you still stay in my life" it's what frights me. I had a bad dream last night, it's kinda moronic so I wouldn't explain the details here. But it feels so real, I must have slept talk or cried while dreaming. It was filled with anger and unhappiness. Yet I woke up upon looking at that text, and I thought of that dream that's still vivid in my mind. The first thought was "no, it wasn't real". Sometimes it's just so hard to see what's fake and what not. Sometimes it's just so hard to move on even though you really want to, but a part of you just want to stay in this familiar comfort. Yet that's only pretending that's everything's back to normal. Some people lock their hearts so tight because they knows what comes next - The heartbreak. They never allow themselves to fall into somebody anymore. Perhaps I should learn to do that too. I told myself over and over again since a year ago to let it go, he's not worth. But something always pulls me back. I've no idea what. Sigh.

I know what people will say if they happen to read this entry, I know what people will think of me. "oh this girl here already a mum, have a husband yet still thinking of her ex boyfriend. she's so immature. she's so this and that" well yeah, this sort of thing. But it really doesn't matter, because all of you are just judging me. Maybe I'll get spammings on my tagboard or formspring again. Oh whatever, grow up. Why don't each and everyone of you that's judging, come and take over me and my life. How strong can you be? None of you know a shit about each and every single detail of my life. So just shut the fuck up if you've no nice comments. I did not ask for any opinions. Thank you very much. Kthxbai.

Boring weekend.

2011-03-27T23:02:00.002+08:00

Taken on 27/03/2011 - Kayven likes to do that whenever he's inside stroller!

Was supposed to meet Yupei on Saturday, but we were waiting for each other to text but none of us took the initiate so didn't meet. Went town with Kayven, hus and Cass. Everything I wanna buy so bloody expensive tsk. Was supposed to go for inking session today after sending Kayven back to Kathy's place @ 8pm, but time delayed. Eric said that he's tired so postpone to next Sunday :( Wanted to place MJ but nobody free, or lazy, or no money. Ahh~ my hand itchy!

Urgh. It's Monday tomorrow! I hate it :(

I know where I stand. I've thought it through. A part of me gave up, a part of me is dying. Tried too hard, fought too long. I guess it's time to give up.

2011-03-24T00:30:00.002+08:00

Life's still pretty fucked up and boring, except weekends with Kayven. Been really broke recently, so I've to be thrifty in every ways. But again, it's not doing much help. I've got nothing to blog about actually.

So what I've so much to rant? So what if I hate this and that? So what that I'm not doing good at all? Do you really give a shit to anything? Do you really fucking care? If you did, you wouldn't be doing of all these then. But I guess I know why, I trust my sixth sense. Let it be, leave me be. I don't want to get affected by pea matters like this anymore. I don't want you to be the caused of my mind fucking itself everyday, don't want you to be mad and cry over you anymore. Really feel like giving up. Do I even have a fucking choice?

Whenever I'm trying to improve situations, they just get hell worse. I have no idea why. Many times, I was hoping that all these years that I've been through are just nightmares and I'll wake up soon. Life will be better once I wake up. But no. Facing unsolved problems in life, and everyday having new stress. It's so hard to get by. Why don't I just have the fucking guts to suicide. I guess things will be better.

Kayven's 5th Month

2011-03-17T04:32:00.000+08:00

5th Month progress:

Drinks 210ml of formula+cereal every 5-6 hourly
Able to stay at the crawling position.
Able to seat on his own with his hand as support for about 20 seconds
Knows how to hold his own milk bottle throughout feeding
Love playing with his mouth
Love biting things
Sleeps throughout the night
Will scream like mad when he wants milk, carry also no use
Prefers people he knows, stranger carry will cry.

!8th

2011-03-16T00:12:00.005+08:00

Here are some photos of the bbq day - 12 march! Didn't upload all, lazy ah. The rest in facebook! Realised that I didn't get the chance to take photos with the guys! Ohmanz. &I know I look funny in some pictures :(

One by one happily eating stingray! yaoxiu snatch with me!

Look like I'm advertising for my shirt or something -_-

Celebrated advance birthday @ niangjia. Mommy bought cake for me.

umglam outfit omg

Were @ Cass' house playing mahjong, they surprised me with cake when it's midnight!

Corina came down to my workplace to surprise me with lil cake and present!

Hus' bought it on my actual day, but I came home late so we cut it today! Durian yom yom!

Okay, that's it. Yipee! I'm finally 18! So happy! So update about Kayven in the next post when I've time to blog! Anyway, I just wanna say thank you to everybody who attended my bbq and the presents! Also, thank you guys for all the wishes on facebook, twitter and text. I love all of you! (Not all actually, LOL) Kbye!

Boring weekend.

2011-03-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

Headed to Boat Quay - Amber 21 last night with Cass, Gary and Alvin. Pathetic 4 people drink, no to be exact it's only 3 becuz Alvin didn't drink much as he's driving. Only drank for 2 hours, finished half of the martell only. But Gary couldn't continue drinking anymore, so we left about 1pm. Headed to cine to play pool, till about 2.30pm. Headed back home. Gary wanted to see Kayven, but then he cannot make it already so didn't. K.O straight after washing up, mad tired~

Got up about 12pm for Kayven's milky time. Played with him for an hour > bath him > prepared to go town with Cass. Was raining when we're about to go out, unlucky sia tsk. Waited for rain to stop, headed out about 3.30/4pm? Fruitless shopping AGAIN. nb cant find my nude heels! find already also don't have my size, pekcek. stupid small feet T_T Send Kayven back to Kathy's about 9pm, cabbed home about about 11pm.

Work tomorrow. Ah~ I'm gonna have monday blues :( Amber boss asked me to work tomorrow, but I'm still considering. 1 hour = 10$ , 4 hours = 40$. BUT cab fare 20+$, not worth it seriously. Unless they give me cab fare, I don't mind~ Hmmm, shall decide tomorrow.

I'm mother fucking clumsy recently. Like yesterday, I almost fall from the amber hi chair when I was going down to go to toilet. Super paiseh max! omg i squat there and laugh somemore wtf -_- &today, I wanted to sit down to try the heels, I thought I aim the chair already but fuck, miss! I literally sit on the floor! Urgh &I keep dropping things or knock until or whatever. What's wrong with me :(

Kfine, I need to sleep already. Update next weekend perhaps, or when I'm free! I miss Kayven already, so naughty always come home bully momma!

Lifeless

2011-03-01T23:59:00.002+08:00

Taken on 27 Feb'11 - Tutu mouth again. LMAO. Somemore his eyes like pajiao -_-

Anyway, first day of work today! Quite alright because not that boring, as they set up the kiosk. Got sales, got to stock up things, so yeah. Except probably for that 1 or 2 hours do nothing, the rest was fine. Hopefully work everyday will be like that! I don't want to rot 11 hours sitting there! I realised that waiting for bus + travelling needs 40 mins! So godamn long know, almost the same if I work at bugis tsk. Luckily starting 11am from tmr onwards, so I can wake up @ 9.30am!

I miss Kayven already. I really miss him alot whenever I don't see him. Probably I've got used to him around me, his cries and seems like I've nothing to carry/hug all the time. Ahhh~ But what to do, if only I'm rich..

Work life = No life = Lifeless blog. But do me a favour, keep my tagbaord alive! Or just my formspring will do! Thank you readers! But plz stop asking me about sexual questions, though I'll answer like I always do, but you all don't feel ask too much already meh? LOL

P/S: I hate dicks.

Lil moo moo

2011-02-26T14:04:00.003+08:00

Headed to town 2plus/3pm yesterday with Kayven, Hus, Cass and Hwee. Kayven in his moo moo outfit! Went to get Baba's present and walked around town. Didn't managed to find my nude heels ley tsk. Anyway, Hwee went to off about 9pm to find her boyfriend. While we down to 313 > Plaza Sing > Bugis. By the time we reach bugis everything close already, was about 10+pm -_- Headed back home. Recalling how cass and I used to walked from orchard to bugis always when we were 14, wah now old already sia. Walk until legs soft.

Going for training again tonight, &baba's chalet aftermath to celebrate his birthday. Ahh~ Can't wait for my turn 2 weeks later! But not alot people coming ley, all either busy or something. Tsk nvm. Really hope it doesn't rains that day! Still deciding what to ink, I want it either on my wrist or collar bone! &I suddenly wanna learn how to invest stocks! Somebody teach me how! But I have no money to invest YET. FML

Anyway, EOS lens price reduced to 14$/pair, but deadline is up! Shall update you people about the next closing date! Buy from me la ok, I'll love you all deep deep! LOL.

Update in advance:
Training again tmr, and bringing Kayven back to Kathy! aww I'm gonna miss him badly~ Monday going out with my two darlings!
Tuesday start work! :O Hopefully I can get used to working life again.

Oh, February is coming to an end in 2 days time! I hope this year pass faster than last year! But it seems slower.. Also, I hope March will be a better month for me! Up to now, 2011 sucks alot. Every year seems to get suckier and suckier. What the fuck is wrong?! On every 11:11, I'm wishing myself to be happy every second. But it didn't come true :( imy anw y

Happy

2011-02-23T13:40:00.005+08:00

Taken on 22 Feb'11. Can't resist Kayven's charm! ROFL

Kayven's been acting all cute and naughty recently, doing actions that makes me laugh non stop! And his laughter is super funny too! When he did the above pictures, before snapping these 2 photos, he was actually smiling at me. I told him: "Kayven think you very handsome wanna flirt with momma ah?!" And he continued smiling happily for quite a long time! LMAO. Can't stop laughing at him seriously. He did these actions for about half an hour know! My lil sunshine! He always brightens my day! Love darling so much!

Anyway, was down with high fever the day before yesterday. Mommy and Cass come over to help me. They went home about 9plus. MIL came home and we cabbed over to CGH to see doctor about 11pm. Back home > Ate medicine > K.O straight for 12 hours. Shiok! Fever was gone when I woke up, but still feeling nua. Feeling much better today, only left with flu and slight sore throat.

I thought today's Tuesday when it's actually Wednesday -_- Can't wait to start work next Tuesday! Can't wait for pay day!(though still long) I've never been to Hougang Mall, so I wonder how working there will be like hmm.. Hopefully not so boring! Also, for my 18th.. Decided to open BBQ located @ Pasir Ris Park! Pit number 19! Plz popi hard that it doesn't rains! If not good game sia. People plz let me know asap whether you're coming anot, becuz I need to order food! Thank you~

P/S: I really need help about promoting of blogshop! HELP plz!

Addict

2011-02-19T16:45:00.002+08:00

I've been playing mahjong at least once a week, but the problem is that I've been down on my luck recently. Keep losing money know! Tsk. Anyway, my 18th birthday is coming in less than a month! But I still have no idea where to go, any suggestions? Hus suggested chalet or BBQ, but find it a lil stupid. Some more need advanced booking. Thought of going BQ, but I did that last year. Singapore is so small, nowhere to go. T_T

I've got nothing to blog actually, I'm just bored. Kbai.

Oh wait, I'm selling EOS lens instead of GEO lens. Though EOS is a couple bucks more, but I'm sure it'd be more comfortable than GEO as it has more water content. Also, pink lenses and 14.5/15mm series are available in degree unlike GEO! Try getting a pair and you'll know the difference! Am selling for 16$/pair, closing date 24 Feb'11! Visit http://eoslens-x.blogspot.com for more information!

One last thing, I'm looking for someone to help me promote my blogshop! If anybody's doing that, please let me know! Tag me or formspring me! Thanks in advance!

Kayven's 4th Month

2011-02-17T04:31:00.000+08:00

4th Month Progress:

Drinks 180ml FM every 4-6 hourly.
Likes to raise his butt up high, attempting to crawl whenever he's on his tummy.
Loves sucking his thumb, always suck until got super loud sound.
Likes his fingers alot, always lick and bite until whole hand full of saliva.
Screaming instead of crying most of the time.
Talkative and knows how to laugh loudly.
Able to recognize house and momma.
Grabbing everything that he's able to reach, especially long hair he'll pull super hard!
Knows how to fall asleep on his own without any coaxing.
Able to sit with support for awhile.

Check up and 5 in 1 jab(2nd dose) on 18/02/2011.

Weight: 6.7kg
Height: 63.5cm

More rantings~

2011-02-15T14:38:00.002+08:00

Taken on 10 Feb'11 - Darling wearing pink! (Y)

This year valentine's day is the worse! Firstly, having to wake up @ 7am when I slept at 1am the previous night just to head over to Outram. MIL told us it's SGH, but end up it's HSA. Go here and there, wasted alot of time and energy know. Mad tired~ Can't remember what time we're done there, walked over to Chinatown to have brunch. Trained back to Pasir Ris OCBC for Kayven's baby bonus account thingy. Back home aftermath about 12plus(?), nap for awhile. Headed to Tampines first about 4pm+, kiddy palace to get Kayven's necessary items and had early dinner. Bugis aftermath to hunt for hello kitty casing for my blackberry and found it! Saw Evania and Corin there, and guess what, Evania said that she know the boss, if she buy will cheaper! nb why didn't I see them earlier?! Anyway, walked around Bugis Street to hunt for Hello Kitty earpiece but to no avail. Bought a pair of shorts only. Back to Bugis Junction and found it there -_- Headed back to Pasir Ris about 9.30pm. Again kena cheated! Whitesands selling the hk earpiece too! Cheaper 4$ ley, knn. I feel so stupid. Had Mcd for supper > Home.

The entire day that faggot keep picking fights with me. Frustrated max. But He's not coming home tonight and tomorrow, so I'm gonna be lonelygirl93 :( Oh well, I shall find my own entertainment.

Good news - I confirm starting work on 1 March'11! Bad news - But the boss will be putting me at Hougang Mall's branch instead of Downtown East! Also, she's putting me monday to friday therefore my pay will be only 880$ for the first 2 months! OMG I think I'm gonna suffer.

Ever since 2011 started, I've never been happy at all. Every second of my life is full of frustrations, I get easily pissed off and seriously nothing makes me happy. Last night, I realised I miss those days where I love someone so much and get loved in return. I miss those days where we hang out happily without any quarrels, where we smiled and being so lovey dovey. What happened to us? Or rather just me? I guess I lost my old self. For once, I really need a bloody counselor whom I can be comfortable with to pour out everything and tell me what's wrong with me, with my life. I really hate how life is right now for me. I really want everything back to normal, to how happy it should be instead of it. Though I've sort of guess it'd turned out like this the moment I decided to get married, but I didn't thought it'd be this bad. Or probably we just couldn't work out. Or probably I just need you. I'm in a mess, guide me.

Rantings

2011-02-13T22:15:00.005+08:00

Taken on 12/2/11 - He's my lil sunshine!

Things seems to be getting worse for me as the day pass. Can't wait for 2011 to be over already, yet it's only mid feb naoz. Sigh. Anyway, I lost 50$ on mahjong to Hwee on Friday,& 7$ to Baba yesterday. Thought I could start work on 1st March'11, but boss called and say will be starting on May'11 instead, till then I'll go training @ another branch located at AMK. But it's only part time, and nobody's free to help me look after Kayven. I can't possibly bring him back to Kathy as I wouldn't have enough to pay her. Guess I gotta give this job a miss and look for others. FML.

If I could, I wish I can earn my income through home(internet business and mahjong!), but fat hope la ok. My mahjong skills sucks actually, and I'm so lazy to promote around internet. urgh I need to stop daydreaming. Seriously, sometimes I can't help but to envy most people around me. Without being tied down by a family, without needing to face in-laws every single day, without having to worry no money. Able to take their own sweet time preparing to go out in pretty clothes and make up, able to lead night life, able to do whatever they want. Sometimes I just want back the life as how a 18 years old girl can have, not like now, not like this.

I've so much to say to you but I've no idea how to start. 3 words; I hate you. Yes, I really do. But the problem is, the more I'm hating you, the more I can't let go. Fuck this. Also, I realised that I cannot get used to pain, becuz every hurt just gets deeper.

Imagine living in frustrations, imagine having to deal with different kinds of stress, imagine you in my shoes. Yeah, but I guess nobody can ever understand. I'm better off dead. I'm going insane.

Oh, not forgetting it's Valentine's day tomorrow. Again, I'm unhappy on the eve of a occasion. I guess this entire year will just be a huge load of bullshit. Shall sleep early, gotta wake up early to head over to SGH tomorrow. Bye fags.

Tortured

2011-02-07T13:44:00.003+08:00

Taken on 3 Feb 2011; Kayven seems to have a matured face omg

It's Monday! Everybody's back to work and school, left me alone so poor thing :( Need to start job hunting already! I think Chinese New Year got me addicted back to mahjong! Hands keep itching for it mf badly! MJ session @ Cass house this Saturday with her, hwee and zc! Can't wait! Anyway, Kathy said that Kayven had become skinner! omg wtf I can't believe it. He drinks daily 180ml of milky 4/5 hourly, when it's supposed to be 6 hourly. &lots of water in between. How can he slim down?! Seems like I tortured him or something when I didn't. Seriously I've no idea what happened T_T Shall ask doctor on 18 feb for his jab. In the meantime, I'm gonna plump my darling back by feeding him more milky when Kathy brings him back! But not overfeed la~

So bored. Hate this date of the month. Hate this loneliness. Hate this emptiness. Hate having nothing to do. Hate making rush decisions. Hate so many things. Hate life. Hate myself. The only person worth loving is Kayven, only thing worth loving is Hello Kitty and not forgetting about my bby!

Love yourself before loving someone else. Forgive yourself before forgiving someone else. Forget about unhappy moments, keep yourself happy. Life wouldn't be that cruel as it seems. (Yeah, I guess so.) But it's easier to type all these words out, try doing it.

CNY'11 with Lil family

2011-02-06T02:53:00.003+08:00

2 February 2011, Wednesday. CNY Eve.
Went to MIL's side - Her youngest brother house to have reunion dinner. Steamboat. Nothing much.

Kayven's outfit wordings - Sorry girls, I only date models.

3 February 2011, Thursday. First day of CNY.
Woke up at 12.30pm, went to Lavender with Kayven, Hus, PIL& BIL to Lavender to visit FIL's side relative. Left about 3.30pm, back home aftermath. Rested awhile and headed to MIL's side at Pasir Ris about 5.30pm. Had steamboat again. Did nothing there like idiot -_- All headed over to Yishun to visit MIL's mother sister. Left about 10/10.30pm > Cabbed home.

Kayven's outfit wordings - Hungry for a hug! (So true)

4 February 2011, Friday. Second day of CNY.
Woke up about 1/2pm. MIL cooked, had lunch at home. FIL's side one family came over to eat together. Went to bath and prepare, cabbed over to niangjia about 3.30/4pm with Hus and Kayven. Mommy and daddy so happy to see Kayven, keep playing with him. Headed over to Cass' place about 6pm. Many people there, becuz Cass father side relatives all there. Everybody's happy seeing Kayven, all carry him and play with him. So I relax all the way at her house hehehe. Hwee& Alan came > Evania& Zed > Ying& Baba. Played Black jack, won 10$! First round of mahjong with Cass, her father, Hwee. Lose 40cents -_- Cass' father lose the most, while Hwee won all our money :( Second round with Ying, baba& Hwee. Nb baba won the most, ying lost the most. Luckily I lose 4$ only, still thought I'd lose alot becuz our bet quite big. Daddy sponsored me 50$ btw! (Y) Cabbed back home about 4pm.

5 February 2011, Saturday. Third day of CNY.
Guess Kayven's really tired. He woke up for milk about 5.30pm previous night > slept back about 6pm and all the way till about 3.30pm. Woke up by himself, happily playing himself on his tummy. Bath& feed him milk. Played with him > He played with himself on tummy again and fall asleep again -_- (got so tired meh?!) Kathy& family came over to bring Kayven out about 6.30pm, fetching back home tomorrow. Not sure time yet though. Out with Hus to Tampines about 8.30pm, wanted to sign my blackberry, but reached& closed! knn sieh angry. Went kiddy palace to get some of Kayven's necessary items > Wanted to eat roti prata and they told me no more! wa limbu even more pissed. Cass came, ate together > Waited for Zhen Cheng > Bought 11.30pm show - Green Hornet, at Tampines Mall. The show was a little stupid though, but funny. Average~ Jay chou's english sounds REALLY funny LOL can't stop laughing. Cabbed back home about 1.30am.

6 February 2011, Sunday. Fourth day of CNY.
Hus woke me up @ 12+pm and told me it's already 1pm wtf. Scolded him like crap, mad tired know. Nua-ed on the bed > Watched tv > Bath and prepared > Walked over to WS about 2.30pm but realised Singtel retailer shop was closed, so we trained over to Tampines. Both Hus& I bought BlackBerry bold 9780! Mine's w/ camera(white) while his w/o camera(black). I sign it with M1 2 years contract so I've changed my number! He only upgraded his line with Singtel, so his much cheaper~ Anyway, headed to 504 to change screen protector. Bus-ed over to West Plaza but realised the medical shops closed so didn't manage to get Kayven's milk powder. Had late lunch/early dinner at KouFu. Bus-ed back home, called up M1 to activate my internet service, but realised the stupid person gave me the wrong plan. So we gotta go down M1 to re-contract, fed up! Waste my time, but no choice. Back home aftermath. Kathy's bringing Kayven back the tomorrow instead of tonight! Miss him so much!

Unhappy

2011-02-02T01:27:00.002+08:00

Thought I'd have no plans today, end up heading town and bugis with sister and Cass. Tiring day though, bought nothing again. Lazy to elaborate the day, but Kayven's all smiley today! So cute! &He knows how to laugh so loudly, I have no idea what is he so happy about -_-

Anyway, I'm here on blogger to rant! Yes, RANT. When I'm working, I seems like the money tree. Kayven's babysitter fee, milk, diapers etc are all on me. My food, transport, bills etc are on myself too. Since he's in NS, I don't expect much. Yet when it's weekend, I seems like the maid here taking care of him all by myself. As well as doing house chores etc. Now that I'm jobless, he expect me to be a total maid here. Taking care of Kayven day and night by myself, doing house chores, doing this and that. When I'm out, he keeps asking where I've been& who I'm out with. Am I a fucking criminal that he've to interrogate? Whenever there's a text from somebody, he'll immediately take my phone and read it. When it's an unknown number, he'll keep asking non stop who is it. Seriously, I feel so fucked up. Even though I've told him countless times, he's still doing it. I hate you. Go away. Just wait.

On Christmas eve, I'm not happy. On new year's eve, I'm not happy. Now it's Chinese new year's eve, I'm not happy too! Seriously fuck my life. Fuck 2011. I wish 2012 would come faster, oh plz. I need materials to make me happy. I need Hello Kitty. I need BlackBerry. I need gel nails. I need money. Why can't any kind souls just drop some into my bank account!? Ahh nonsense. Forget it. Bye fags.

Weekend with Kayven.

2011-01-31T13:39:00.005+08:00

28 January 2011, Friday.
Wanted to sign BlackBerry plan with M1, but realised their 348$ plan deal is for 21 years old and above, below 21 have to add another 100bux. Sieh angry, but no choice, didn't buy. Might be waiting till my 18th then sign with Singtel. Went over to Kathy's place to pick Kayven. He was happily playing with his "dou dou" when we reach. Haha, so cute keep smiling to himself. They drove us over to City Hall, cuz Hus wanted to buy shorts from Peni. Headed over to Orchard - Fareast to do some shopping for my CNY clothes, but nothing caught my eye! Hus had KFC for dinner, I wasn't hungry even though I ate ONE curry puff only for the entire day. Waited for Cass to come. Walked over to Wisma/Ion for awhile. Home aftermath.

29 January 2011, Saturday.
Hus bought duty due to our financial naoz. Cass came over about 2.30pm, prepared and headed to esplanade to collect EOS lens from Celestine. See see look look around the club flea, bought nothing though while Cass bought a tanktop. We took turns to go in because the stroller can't go in, packed know! Headed over to town, had Yoshinoya for lunch. Ying came. Headed to Fareast again, met Evania, Zed and Baba there. All of them are happily playing with Kayven. Still bought nothing! They went off to watch movie, left with me& Cass. Headed over to Ion > Nothing still > Went back to Tampines. Headed to Cass' crib. Spent the night there.

P/S: He wore monkey clothing& he really turned into monkey -_- grumpy whole day, keep crying nb

30 January 2011, Sunday.
Came back home about 9plus/10am? Waited for Hus to come back, he bought his own mcd breakfast& nothing for me! Asshole. Slept awhile. Out about 4.30pm to Tampines, I went to cut hair& waited fucking long. Done about 6pm odd. T1 to buy some finger food. Hus bought CNY clothes from topman, which has no difference with what he wears normally becuz it's the same just different colour wtf -_- 7pm - Queued for taxi @ T1 taxi stand, queue fucking long know. Waited for cab for half an hour! Was supposed to reach downtown east @ 7.30pm! Luckily we're not the last one to reach. Marcus was even later than us! Had Reunion dinner with my family at Different Taste. Umnomnom! (Y) Walk walk awhile, cab over to Vivian's place to collect GEO lens > Home aftermath. Tiring~

31 January 2011, Monday.
Finally it's the end of January, feel like forever manz. CNY is coming in 3 days! Excited even though I've nothing to wear. I wanna play mahjong so badly! Anyway, will be heading to downtown east again to pass Jesslyn, Nanny& other people lens. Wini& ZongDa might be coming here first to meet me. :) This year cny, I didn't buy any new heels, dresses and bag. &So many other things. It's not about money, but there's really nothing for me to buy. No time to go shopping too. T_T Also, I don't think I'll be celebrating my 18th. How great can 2011 be. FML seriously.

Lifeless

2011-01-25T23:10:00.004+08:00

Taken on 22/1/2011. Kayven hates to sit/lie still at one position, especially in the train. Carry him already, I cannot sit! Must stand then he happy. omg where got baby like that?!

Good morning early birds! I'm up way too early today, because I sleep the whole day yesterday! Keep falling back asleep, no idea why I'm feeling so fatigue either. Oh well, still upset about having no job. Shall search for it after CNY I guess, in the meantime, shall bring Kayven back to look after myself again this Friday. Miss him so much! Kathy said that he's sickness have been recovering well (Y) But I think whenever he's home, he's sickness become worse becuz my flu is getting worse& I'm always the one nearing him, so .. My bad :( But what to do really. Nobody bothers helping me look after him till I get better or something. Fucked up.

Will be meeting sister later @ Tampines to have late lunch when her school ends @ 3pm. There's still about 4 hours to go before I start preparing and head out. It's so boring at home alone T_T Tried sleeping back but can't, fully recharge already LOL.

Anyway, I'm deciding if I should buy this Hello Kitty Cover for my blackberry that I'm gonna get this Saturday! I prefer #2! Should I should I? Hehehe. There's no more other designs.. I'm lazy to google and search for it too. But I wonder what material is this.. Plastic or silicone? Shall ask..

I'm really hell bored. Neither is anybody texting me. Listening to songs and mind fucking myself again. Oh well. FML

Jobless again

2011-01-25T22:29:00.003+08:00

Taken on 22/01/2011 - Hehehe! MIL say doesn't look like Kayven!

INITIALLY, today wasn't that bad. Though I was mad tired and have to force myself to wake up at 9am and go to work, I did& I wasn't late! Was rotting there~ Sister came to look for me to have lunch together. Jesslyn'darl was working today, so we had short chats now and then. The rest of the time, I'm just rotting at the pushcart using my iphone. Knock off at 8pm& guess what. The boss gave me pay for past 5 days of work, find something amiss already. Then he told me in chinese: Tomorrow you don't need come already, you not suitable do this job. knn i just "orh" and walked off. Went over to tell darl and she laughed at me! T_T Her bad mouth fault! omg so sad so angry mixed emotions again! Hopefully the shoe shop boss @ dte will hire me plz!

Fucked up faggot makes me more pissed when he doesn't tell me his duty schedule anymore. Always last minute tell me pcb.

Anyway, I'm having bad headache now. Tired& hungry too, but so lazy to cook instant noodles for myself. Urgh. I hate today.

Update

2011-01-22T00:38:00.002+08:00

ROFL! Kayven's cuter this way when he's 4 days old! but another hand, 3 months old photo wasn't taken properly! but OMG, still so funny. HAHAHAHA. Can't stop laughing.

17 January 2011, Monday - Kayven turns 3 months old! (L)
Woke up at 7.30am, bath and headed to polyclinic with Kayven, hus& MIL. Kayven had his check up, and 5 in 1 jab. MIL asked me to see doctor too as I'm having flu, but the number was about 100 difference seriously! When Kayven's done, the number was still 4/50 difference! So we just went off to ShanDing to eat. Home aftermath > Rested awhile > headed to WS, wanted to make the OCBC baby bonus but we didn't bring along the letter so didn't. Waited for Cass to come > ate > Tiong Bahru plaza to meet Kathy. Leaving Kayven under her care again as I found work! > Bugis > Home!

18 January 2011, Tuesday.
Rotted at home the entire day.

19 January 2011, Wednesday - First day of new work!
Currently working at E!hub's pushcart! 10 hours daily, weekdays only! First day was okay actually, as stocks came so quite busy. Kinda bored too, like Candy Man, you just sit there and do nothing unless there's no people. Gotta buy food back to eat too. &It's as cold as Iluma! Yet the unlucky thing is, I'm late for an hour! Guess I've given the boss bad impression. :(

20 January 2011, Thursday.
Was early for work by 15 minutes! Boss was kinda shocked, he asked why I reach so early but I didn't know what to say so I smiled -_- Super boring day as I still don't have much clue what to do there. Seems to have no customers too, so sit there and rot for 10 hours.

21 January 2011, Friday.
TGIF! Miss Kayven hell much! Rushed home to see him straight after work! But he was sleeping.. Today's alright, wasn't that boring. Except that I find out there's many weirdos at E!hub, those people like to take photos with strangers! Firstly, these 2 korean boys suddenly came up to me and said:
"Take photos?"
I foolishly thought they wanted to take photo of the pushcart wtf.
Me: "Huh?"
One the boy said: "Together?"
Me: "Uh, okay"
They still take turn each person take once, and then the three of us together. I was standing there stiff and smiling fakely with messy hair omg. I must have look funny and weird in those photos. Oh well~
Secondly, when I was about to knock off. This Philippine guy was buying a handphone cover for his Nokia 5800. At first he said:
"Can try take photo?" (I think he's afraid it'd cover till his camera or something, but then it was perfectly fine).
But he changed to another casing and asked again:
"Can take photo together?"
Me: "uh.... ok?" (didn't know how to react at the moment)
BLOODY HELL. He actually put his hand over my shoulder, standing damn close to me& his face almost stick to mine! I literally feel like crying, so disgusting I swear. When he's done taking, he went over to his 2 female friends. Then they came back to me again, asked me take again!? nb one of his friend took for him, he still request full body shot. wa limpeh almost faint.
I swear I'll never accept taking photos with strangers anymore. PHOBIA SERIOUSLY!

Kayven's cough seems to be getting worse even though he've visited doctor& ate medicine! He cough until his face red like tomato! But it's weird that his cries are softer& he doesn't scream anymore, or is it because he's sickly so no strength? Hmm.. But when hus feeding him medicine just now, he struggled cry& scream so horribly! I think he really hates it, but no choice :( So poor thing. Momma heartpain T_T Really hope he recovers fully quickly, loathe seeing him sick. Sigh..

Kayven's 3rd Month

2011-01-17T04:30:00.000+08:00

3rd month progress:

Drinks 150ml FM every 5 hourly.
Still sleeping on tummy, sometimes side ways.
Knows how to flip from tummy to back and tummy to side.
Knows how to talk baby language, smile& giggle loudly.
Screams getting louder& sharper.
Loves people to carry him at his comfortable position.
Loves sucking his fingers.

Took out his mittens already, to let him get use to his sense of touch. Still letting him wear booties becuz afraid he'll be cold.
Had his check up& 5 in 1 jab today, he cried so badly! Heartpain :(

Weight: 6kg
Length: 63.5cm
Head circumference: 40cm

$$$

2011-01-16T14:01:00.002+08:00

Taken on 11/1/11

Kayven will be turning 3 months old tomorrow! But he's been sick for the past few days :( Started out with cough, but I've flu& I pass it to him! Feel like it's my fault for worsening his health, but nobody's free to help me look after him. Sigh. Worrying he might have fever, can't sleep in peace last night& I guess tonight also until he gets better. Heartpain know T_T Bringing him to have his 5 in 1 jab tomorrow, but I pretty much guess it'll be a wasted trip becuz he's sick, doubt he's able to jab. Darling so poor thing naoz, sleep also keep waking up. Iyo~

Anyway, I'm not jobless anymore! Downtown pushcart boss called me! But then, the pay's still low~ He say it'll increase if my performance good. I need to work hard! But still hoping I'd get office job.

About 2 more weeks to CNY& I've not bought any clothing! Nothing caught my eyes @ town except a high waist shorts! Shall go bugis next week! &I bought for daring already! So cute but expensive know! I'm hell broke naoz. Money money money, plz drop into my bank account. Kbai.

Upset

2011-01-10T12:49:00.004+08:00

Taken on 9/1/2011. Caught darling sucking his fingers!

/Edited

Ahhh~ I'm still jobless, so in the meantime, I'm taking care of Kayven at home myself. Walk in many shops at Whitesands& Tampines for interview. Some just asked me to write my name& number, while some told me they'll call me within 1/2 weeks. Downtown pushcart boss haven't called me yet though. &I decided not to work at SlimFit as receptionist, becuz it's really godamn far& pay after CPF's hell low. Didn't manage to find any clinic assistant job though.

It's raining today& everybody's not free. I'm so bored at home. Wanted to head to Elias to hunt for clinic jobs but the weather's naise to nua at home with Kayven. Hehehe. Anyway, yet to buy CNY's clothing for myself& darling. Shall go shop this Saturday or next! Hopefully manage to buy some clothing for myself especially if not I think I need to wear birthday suit on CNY. LOL.

Apart from all those unhappy things that occurred in 2010, the greatest joy was knowing about Kayven's existence& giving birth to him! Time really flies manz~ Happily thought 2011 will be better, yet it's not. But I'm still not gonna give up! I shall:

Take private 'N' level papers this year. Study hard!
Find 5 weekdays job with 1.2k after/no CPF!
Be a good momma to Kayven.
Kayven to grow up healthily& most importantly, quit being bad tempered!
Save money in case of rainy days& also for future use.

Having thoughts of staying at home and take care of Kayven on my own instead, but can't due to our financial state naoz. Ahhh, 2011 plz start to get better for me!

Failed

2011-01-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

Have been job hunting for the past few days, not really positive. Only that SlimFit has accepted me as receptionist. But their pay for first 3 months is only 1100$, I've no idea whether is it before or after CPF. Wanted to call up today to ask but forgotten, shall call tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm still searching for jobs. I need a 5 week day job with 1.2k salary! Shall go the Pasir Ris Central tomorrow to check out those clinic jobs, as well as Tampines(if I don't wake up too late). Might be putting Kayven last day @ Kathy's place this Saturday, as I've no income now, shall just take care of darling myself first. But.. Still deciding though, will confirm tomorrow. I'm so mother fucking stress about financial right now, even worse than before becuz I'm jobless! Fuck it really T_T

2011-01-02T23:27:00.005+08:00

31 December 2010, Friday; Countdown!
Work~ Hus fetched Kayven early& came down to workplace to look with me. Met Hwee, Ying, Baba, ZC @ Marina Square to countdown for 2011. Fireworks was awesome! No plans aftermath, so we went home~ Mad tired!

1 January 2011, Saturday; Happy 2011 all! &Happy 19th to you!
Went to Carrefour @ Suntec to get some items with Hus& Kayven. Met Cass there, walked around > Had dinner > Met Hwee > Continue walking > Hus, Kayven& I went home first about 8plus. Headed out to WS to meet Yong& Co. BQ to celebrate his birthday. But ah nvm, went home early about 1+am. Slept @ 4+am though mad tired.

P/S: I got retrenched today becuz Candy Man closed down! Damnit I'm jobless naoz. Help plz! Urgent! Preferably clinic or office job!

2 January 2011, Sunday.
Suppa tired I swear. Slept my whole day again, keep falling asleep. I've no idea why I'm so sleepy either. Anyway, headed out to send Kayven back to babysitter about 8pm together with Hus. Wah I swear darling's damn heavy. Carried him on carrier, my shoulders and back can break manz. Back to Pasir Ris aftermath, was still too upset about being jobless so didn't eat anything the whole day. Till 1/2+am, cooled down& feeling hungry, asked Hus to cook Korean instant noodles for me. Uhmnomnom. Love drinking soups nowadays~ Oh, &boss came specially downstairs my house to pass my pay cheque becuz he's afraid he can't make it tmr or something. It was 1+am know!
.
3 January 2011, Monday; Happy 20th, Hus!
Feeling super fatigue recently, I've no idea why. Till 2plus& I'm still sleeping until Hus forced me to wake up becuz it's his birthday today& he wanted to head out. But I literally screamed at him, yet he's still able to annoy me till I'm totally awake. He #1 annoying pest I swear. Anyway, went out about 3pm to Tampines to withdraw money from my cheque& did some necessary things. Hus wanted to go Town but we did things till about 4.30/5pm, so changed of mind. Watch Gulliver's Travel @ CS' Shaw instead, 7.55pm. Had prata, &walked around Tampines. KOI queue fuck long know, even call& order also need to wait for an hour. Gave up, had E&C instead. Show was pretty alright, abit stupid actually. Lasted for 1.5 hours > Had KFC for late dinner > Home aftermath.

P/S: Hus' always have pathetic birthdays LOL, so bad of me but I think he should get used to it. Hehehe

And now it's 3.49am. I'm pretty sleepy actually but mind just wouldn't stop worrying& stressing about so much. Sigh. Jobless = No money to survive for next month, which is also CNY period. Fuck it. &Really, I feel so stupid naoz. Why didn't I follow my heart instead of my mind previously. Everything's messed up. Urgh.

2010-12-28T15:32:00.006+08:00

25 December 2010, Saturday ; Merry Christmas!
Though this year Christmas is quite boring, but having Kayven around is a joy! Wanted to bring him to babyspa, but it was raining& I wanted to go town instead. Headed out in late noon with Kayven& Hus to Tampines' Kiddy palace to get some necessary things for darling first.

Saw the bumbo chair& we put darling inside. Hehehe! Look at his blur face, cute much! Really wanna get it for him, but I've no money now :( Daddy might be getting it for me!

Ate late lunch at tampines then headed to town. Walked around Ion, Wisma& Taka. Had Ajisen for late dinner.

Darling's awake the whole day till night time know!! Don't know why he don't wanna sleep. Sleep also sleep less than 30 minutes. Ahhh~ Headache.

26 December 2010, Sunday.
Headed to City Hall about 1.30pm with Kayven& Hus to collect Geo lens from supplier. Lunch at Burger King @ Raffles City. Walked around Marina Square, Esplanade& Suntec for godamn many hours!! Back aching know. Bought few new clothing for darling as he's growing too fat to fit into some already, really machiam tight fit already LOL. Met Hui Min to pass her lens& went to Kathy's place. Guess darling's tired today becuz he was sleeping most of the time. Hehehe.

27 December 2010, Monday.
Monday blues~ Work work work. Nobody came to accompany me except Hus, but he came for 1/2 hours only& went home to sleep! Asshole. Tired max, slept early but still......

28 December 2010, Tuesday.
Overslept!! omg woke up only about 2pm thus didn't go to work. Sigh, my pay~ T_T Shall use the time today to pack up Junior's clothing. Need to repack! As well as my own wardrobe. &Dump all the dirty clothes in the washing machine! Kbai

2010-12-23T22:15:00.006+08:00

Darling's cheeky smiles!

Unable to update blog daily like before anymore, busy busy busy~ Anyway, was late for today's appointment @ KKH to put implanon becuz I overslept. Saw ex-classmates there, omg shocking know. Shall not mention here in case they mind or something. Was supposed to meet Hus there but fucked up, nvm. Met him @ Bugis aftermath. Oh, &I have no idea how they put the implanon in becuz I dare not look. Look already will feel even more pain! My poor left upper arm now is bandage and I can't carry things for 3 days. So uncomfortable, gonna have trouble bathing already tsk. Late for facial appointment as well, forgotten to bring the voucher out so I've to do slimming another time. Boo hoo :( Facial was naise though, except when they pluck eyebrow and squeeze blackheads fucking pain till I teared. One session lasted for 1.5hour though, wanted to sleep but the beautician keep talking to me -_-

Did I mentioned that I went town with super unglam unfit, face and hair!?!?! Machiam go downstairs I swear. But I still went to walk around F21& UniQlo @ 313 alone, becuz Hus went off after I went for facial. Trained back to Pasir Ris about 8pm, bought food from pasa malam > ate at void deck before heading home. My left hand feels so nua now, I don't like the feeling at all :(

2 more days to Christmas! Not looking forward actually, pretty much guess it'd be a boring one this year. Oh well, at least we have Kayven with us! I've yet to get him Christmas present, but I'm hell broke. How how how :( Pay is coming in only on 30dec, I'm only left with 10$ in the meantime. Godamn pathetic. Sigh~

FML

2010-12-18T14:47:00.003+08:00

I really wish I've the guts to sucide. I hate this unfair world. I hate my life. Yet I know I cannot be selfish to leave Kayven here all alone. Sometimes I even thought of bringing him to die along with me. Sounds so fucking ridiculous but I guess my depression is just getting worse each day. I've to keep pretending that I'm fine, that's life great, that I love my life so much. Fuck everything.

Why does people keep telling me I've to put others in front of me, &think of them first before myself. Then who the fuck is going to think for me. Who the fuck is going to bother if I'm happy or not. Who the fuck understands everything that's happening now. I admit I made a mistake for rush decisions. But why it is when I'm clear of want I want, everybody's against me now. Do all of you want me to live in unhappiness every single day of my life till I lie in the coffin. If yes, then jolly well fuck all of you. I will not compromise to that because this is my life. I do what I want as long as I'm happy. I'm not going to fucking care if I hurt anyone of you. I didn't come here to do that, but now I can't stop. So let it be.

Even my parents ain't siding me now, or perhaps they never do. Fuck them too.

I'm motherfucking pissed& upset right now. I really want to leave here. I really want to separate from you. I really want everything back like how it used to be. I hate regretting, fuck it.

- I wanted you By Ina. (Randomly heard the song& the lyrics seems to fit my feeling towards you)

" Lately I've been thinking 'bout wat i can do
I've been stressing to fall back in love with you
I'm so sorry that I couldn't follow through
But I can't go on this way
I've got to stop it babe
You've been wonderful in all that you can be
But it hurts when you say that you understand me
So believe me, I am sorry. (... ...)

I've been pushing hard to open up the door
Trying to take us back to where we were before
But I'm done I just can't do this anymore
Cause we can't be mended
So let's stop pretending now
We've been walking round in circles for some time
And I think we should head for the finish line (... ...)

I'm so sorry baby but
I, I I've got to pack up and leave (... ...) "

Kbye. Shall enjoy myself tonight with my girls& friends. I don't wanna stay sober anymore.

Kayven's 2nd Month

2010-12-17T04:29:00.000+08:00

2nd month progress:

Drinks 140ml FM every 4 hourly.
Able to hold his head up for quite long.
Will smile& laugh when we're playing and talking to him.
Will talk back when we're talking to him.
Sometimes we not talking to him, but he thought we talking to him, he'll smile -_-
Still has a very bad temper, want means want. Especially for milky.

From frowning to smiling now, he's such a cutie pie. Momma loves him dearly (L) Though I'm not able to see him growing everyday, but the babysitter lets me know his progress. &He comes home often with new things to let me see& make me happy. Whenever he smiles, it makes me forget about everything else. As well as seeing him sleep. I never know I can love someone so much till he came out of this world.

2010-12-14T02:36:00.003+08:00

After so long, first time not feeling any monday blues though it's a long day! Cass came over to accompany me in the late noon, followed by Hwee. Before they came, I went down to press money first& to get food. They're having road show for facial, took a look only& the person came up to me. She did hand mask for me before talking to me. (Y) Ended up 'buying' one session of facial from her which costs 20$, can't remember what's the centre called. I didn't want to get it actually, but she say she give me one free trail session for slimming& I agreed. Omg kenna conned -_- She still asked if I wanna get it for my mommy& MIL for Christmas present but I declined. Never mind~ Shall just go next Thursday after heading to KKH to put implanon.

Anyway, both girls stayed with me till work ended& headed to E!hub's Kbox for singing session. It's only 8$nett! For Kbox members only, every Monday! Shiok know, so we sung from 11pm - 2am. Fuck cold inside, even colder than my working place wtf. Share cab home aftermath. Was feeling tired actually but once reach home, don't know why feeling so awake. Don't feel like sleeping anymore. I'm gonna be dead tomorrow, living zombie~ LOL

Sometimes I really don't know how to believe you. Sometimes you make me feel so fucking annoyed. Sometimes you can be so awesomely sweet. Many times, you just make me confused. I wonder when will my depression heal. I hate myself for always getting so pekcek whenever Kayven starts crying& screaming away. I know I need to be patience but something's just wrong with me, &I really don't know what. Sigh~ I NEED TO BE HAPPY.

Oh, &if anybody have any fast cash job, do let me know. I need money badly terribly horribly! By end of this month especially, if not I'm dead. I'm really broke. I need to stop spending money, but I can't control myself though I always nag at Hus for spending unwisely. Help!?

2010-12-13T00:24:00.003+08:00

It's been days since I've updated as I've been busy(kinda), so just a short post before I enter dreamland. Monday to Friday - Work. Weekends - Taking care of Junior. Barely have time for myself. December is a naise month, because of Christmas& New year! It's always the best month for me, but not this year.. Though having Kayven around is a joy, but we can't go to noisy places becuz he'd only be 2months odd. I wanna walk around town& see fireworks leyz~ Also, I've no idea what Christmas presents to get for everyone. Tell me how how how.

Oh, &I want blackberry so badly! Gotta start saving money naoz. Would some kind soul like to buy it for me as Christmas present? If not, I've to wait till end of January 2011 or end of April 2011, depending how much& how fast I'm gonna save 348$. Sigh~ I want a laptop badly too :(

Mr. fever please don't look for me, I cannot afford to get your stupid virus. Having cough& running nose is terrible enough becuz I might pass it to my darling when he's home on weekends. Virus virus, go away!

2010-12-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

Darling photos taken during the 11 days @ babysitter house

Stupid revlon hair dye is a cheat! No colour! T_T But luckily, my hair don't feel rough or tangled. Anyway, Hus took off today& tomorrow. So he accompanied me to work the whole day, but he's annoying maximum I swear. Late for work again today though, overslept! Omg my pay is getting lesser& lesser~ Not good at all! &These are the new stocks of hello kitty in Candy Man! F.cute right! Don't look like food at all. But total of all is 60$+ :( I want the hello kitty phone& speaker from opposite shop, they only have one set for both! It's a 100$ each know :( Really wish I'm a billionaire so I can buy hello kitty things from all over the world. Hahaha, I must be dreaming.

Oh, &Hus bought 4 items for me from Taiwan. Photo only shows 3, becuz another item was a Hello Kitty tee. The hello kitty home slipper is superly awesomely cute! Love it so much! But I don't wear slipper at home -_-

Decided to put darling back at Outram's babysitter house, becuz they really dote& care for him alot. First day put @ niangjia there the babysitter, &he came back with red butt urgh. He's overnight-ing @ Kathy's place though, really too tiring becuz of my long hours working. Night time taking care of him on my own is a disaster, not enough rest know! Will be bringing darling back home on Friday night& sending him back on Sunday night. This Saturday will be going downtown for interview @ 8pm, so will be putting darling at mommy's place for a couple of hours first. Shall request for 5 days work there& see how much will the pay be then decide whether quitting current job or not. Current boss will be letting me know by Saturday noon how much will he be giving me monthly full time pay. So I shall see which higher, hopefully either one reaches 1.2k! Really need it!

I don't know why I have bad temper& hate it even more that darling has it too. He wants milky means he wants it& will scream like mad if we don't give it to him. As well as wanting people to carry him. omg regretted being so bad-tempered when I'm pregnant. :( &I think I'm still stuck at 47kg. I'm so depressed about it. I want my 38kg back! But Hus keep influencing to eat nonstop whenever he's with me, so sinful know! Shall take my weight again next Thursday when I'm at KKH to put implanon. Really hate my body right now urgh fuck nvm kthxbai

2010-12-02T23:46:00.003+08:00

-Phew- Luckily I wasn't late today. Boring afternoon though because hwee only came about 7.30pm tsk. Home aftermath, fuck tired. Shall rest early, so we can have fun tomorrow night! Muahaha. I wanna go Boat Quay to drink! But I don't think anybody is going, because all broke wtf. I hate going home early on Friday night, I want plans seriously! &I need money badly! Santa, would you grant me a gazillion dollars?

Sometimes, I really want a new love. Because nothing's sweeter than initial of a relationship. My mind told me to salvage this marriage, but my heart told me to let it go. It's not you, it's me. I don't want to upset you any further, but I know you'll be reading this. But I really want you to know that I can no longer feel love. Or perhaps, it was never love at all. It's just a grateful feeling towards you for being there always for me whenever I need it. I hate myself for saying this out, but I can't keep it inside anymore. I don't know why I took this road, I don't know why am I making such rush decisions. I'm plainly too selfish, I know. I'm sorry. Though you've tried your best making me happy, but maybe I'm just not worthy of those. I don't know how to express how sorry am I, even though sorry doesn't mean a thing. It's not a matter of communicating anymore, it's just my problem. Urgh I feel so fucked up now. Damnit asshole. Kbye.

2010-12-01T23:59:00.002+08:00

Say hello to kitty! (L)
I overslept two times in a row! Hopefully won't be the third time tomorrow, boss is starting to nag already zzz. Yesterday, I slept 7am when I'm supposed to be up at 10am to prepare for work. But I'm too tired! MIL tried to wake me up for 3 times& to no avail. Finally I woke up at about 1pm, still mf tired! Charge my phone as it was dead, decided to lie on bed awhile before getting up. Guess what, I fall asleep! wtf. &Woke up at 3pm. Shocked know!! Faster went to prepare& went for work. Cold Storage to get Junior's milk powder& my sushi before heading to shop. Ran out of his milky at babysitter house already, so they asked me to buy& came to get it from me bringing him along! They came awhile only > went to walk walk > came back awhile before leaving Bugis. Kiss Kayven cheeck goodbye& waited for Hwee to come. She took fuck long know, finally reached about 6pm. But she went off about 8pm to meet Cass @ Orchard. Stayed work till 10.45pm& went home.

Today, though I slept 4am but damn stupid. I set alarm already but my phone on silent mode so it didn't ring -_- MIL went out early so nobody woke me up urgh. Woke up shocked again, because it's already 1am. My phone filled with spam calls& texts. Faster went to prepare& reached shop @ 2.30pm. Nanny came over about 4pm+ without informing me but so happy to see her because there's somebody to accompany me& have chats. Hwee was supposed to come but she overslept till about 6pm. Nanny went home about 8.30pm though, becuz she didn't bring her laptop& have to go home to do project. Stayed work till 10.30pm& went home.Both days going home alone. Sieh sad manz, lonelygirl93 sia LOL.

Sometimes I really feel that Junior don't know who momma is. I don't know why he can keep crying& throw temper even when I'm carrying him, but when someone else carry he keep quiet. Urgh, hate it. Or maybe he just likes to bully momma, but I really get irritated& upset know. Anyway, bringing Junior back home on Sunday afternoon. &Changing babysitter to my house opposite, 5 days, 400$, need to bring home everyday. I still find it a little too high with my pay currently. Most probably will be changing job, it's at Downtown East - shoe shop. 1.2k/month no CPF, but 6 days. Lucky is weekend off, &it's relax like Candy Man. 11am-10am daily. Though about the same as my current job, but at least it's so much nearer& I need 1.2k/month job! Don't mind about CPF right now, because can survive till hus' ORD& till he found stable income can already! -yawns- Shall rest early today, mad tired! Kbai

2010-11-28T23:01:00.002+08:00

Why did you have to force me into marriage? Something I'm completely aware that it'll be hell. Do I have a choice if I told you I didn't want to get married, because then, you'll insist on adoption. i don't want to give away my son. Ever since I've decided to keep him, I told myself that I wanted to be a single momma instead of this. I know marriage will not work out, the only fucking benefit of it was that baby bonus when he's borned. Just because of money. To you, everything's money money and more money. Have you ever thought of how I felt? Have you ever asked me if I needed help? Have you ever asked if I'm happy with everything? No, nothing. Ever since Kayven's arrival, you just bothered about him& nothing about me still. Have you ever asked if I'm tired? Have you ever asked how I'm doing? Have you ever took a good look at me& realised how haggard your daughter have been. No, nothing. Sometimes I really wanna just sit down and talk to you but I really don't know how. Do you know how unhappy I am now. Do you know how much I wanted to run home& hide. Do you even know that I'm suffering depression right now. No you don't.

I've nowhere to go right now even though I wanted to leave here so badly, taking Kayven along with me. I'm stuck here being unhappy, stuck here with so much burdens. I really want somebody to share with who'd understand. I knew this would be the end. I knew how terrible things would have gone in the first place. Fuck everything.

Even though you're going to say that you can salvage this marriage, but you've to know that it takes two hands to clap. It's not that I don't wanna save this, but I give up. I really give up this time. 1 year 9 months later, I've decided on signing another legal papers. It's still long, but I've made up my mind. Nobody will know what will happen till then, but all I can say that our relationship was dead long ago. Why didn't you realised it earlier. I hate this. I hate my life.

2010-11-28T16:38:00.006+08:00

- Before -

- After -

Goodbye super long hair. Hello bangs.

Finally slept for 13 hours after being awake for 40 hours straight omg. Still feeling so tired& sleepy. Supposed to be out @ FEP today with Cass, for shopping& she wanna hunt for things. But I'm too lazy to move around anywhere except having dinner because need to eat right! 5pm and I'm mf hungry already. But my whole body nua, no energy to even go bath. Hmm considering to go express for prawn noodle or E!hub for meesua& taiwan chicken. Sorry bby :( Monday tomorrow = Work! Though think of $$, but work is still hell boring. I miss Kayven baby!! It's the fourth day he's at babysitter house. Wonder if he's used to sleeping there& does he miss momma. But I doubt so lo, he likes to bully his momma :( But momma still love him! Hehehe. 7 more days gonna be without him. The house feels so quiet though, so not used to it..

26 November 2010, Friday.
First day resuming work @ Candy man! Not much people as thought actually, not good at all. Hwee came over to accompany me in the late noon, followed by NannyAng. Went to dabao dinner back to shop& eat, as well as buying Nanny's share. But we bought Koi without asking her whether she wants or not, so she end up having to queue super long. :\ Hwee went off first about 8.30pm to meet her boyfriend, while NannyAng accompanied me till end work. She wanted to go walk walk, so we hang around Bugis Street for awhile. Bought nothing though. Trained back aftermath. Met Jeffston with Kelvin @ 444 for supper, Amigo's cheese fries! (Y) But I ate less than half only, omg waste money. Sat there waited for Yaorong to come, he took fuck long I swear. Saw a few others& headed up to Yong's house about 3am(?) for mahjong session. My hand itchy, wanted to play but forgotten how wtf. So Yuli took my place instead& I rotted there. Rested for 1.5 hours from 8.30-10am, &feeling damn awake aftermath. I've no idea why too. Took Yaorong's place& he taught me how to play! Stayed there till 2pm(?), they went to eat while I went home.

27 November 2010, Saturday.
Dragged my feet back actually, sigh. Cass texted me about 3pm that she's on the way back home already, so I went to prepare& headed out. She had appointment @ 4pm so she went there first, I was waiting for my phone to charge fully so reached there about 5pm+(?). She did scalp treatment, cut& dye hair with just 50$ while I only cut& it's 30$+. So unfair right!? Because the appointment was actually her mum's, already paid, but didn't go so Cass go instead. I like her hair colour though! Ash blonde! I'm dying medium blonde this coming weekend! Hopefully I don't look weird. Finished fixing hair about 7pm. Wanted to trim brows but they closed for the day already wtf. Walked around& trained over to Clark Quay about 8pm. First time we meet people early know! But it's because we've nothing to do HAHAH. Bought sticky!! (Y) Boat Quay to eat first, &it's only about 9.30pm wtf. Who goes there @ such hours. Finished eating about 10pm > Amber 21 to finish balance, lesser than half lo cheat my feelings. Sing songs till there's more people there& our turn was fuck long. Played alot of stupid games with Gary, laugh till mad manz. But I keep losing urgh. They're hiring part time, but because I'm not 18 yet, pay only 8$/hour. Didn't take up the job anyway. Midnight& finished! Hanged around there awhile, decided to watch movie @ Cineleisure. Cabbed over& tickets sold out tsk. Cabbed home& reached about 2am. Bathed > Dump dirty clothes into washing mashine. > Laid on bed waiting for it to be done but don't know why K.O! Nobody helped me hang my clothing so it's inside till I wake up! Stinky, so have to wash again -_-

2010-11-25T21:28:00.003+08:00

omg messy hair& junior keep moving -_-

MIL woke me up @ 9.30am today as mommy reached already. But I continued to nua on bed till 10am before getting up. Packed up the rest of Junior things > bath > Fed Junior milky& change diapers becuz he sitted! > Cabbed over to babysitter's place @ Outram. Was supposed to reach there @ 12pm, but we were late. Also, supposed to go SlimFit for my stretchmarks removal session but can't bear to part with Junior so didn't go. Left babysitter's house @ 3.30pm& cabbed over to KKH for my checkup. Was late becuz the blur uncle drove wrong way. wtf he went till Orchard know! But at least he just charge us 6$ becuz he knows it's his fault. Wanted to put implanon, but I haven't come my menses so couldn't. Took shutter bus to Bugis aftermath. Ate @ Pastamania, was already about 5pm. Went to walk around Bugis Street, only manage to buy one shorts. Went to take my last month's pay but the cheque mysteriously gone lol. Boss say he'll open another for me next week, oh well. Bought Koi& trained home aftermath.

The moment I left Junior, I feel so empty. I know I'll miss him, but never thought it'd be this much. Shopping takes my mind away for awhile, but when I'm on the train, I was asking mommy to bring Junior back. Yet no, I have work tomorrow, who's gonna take care of him then? :( What's worse, looking at this cot& not seeing him. Watching the tv halfway, forgotten that he's not home, I looked in the cot& it's empty. I thought I had his cries for attention, wanting me to carry him but it's just my mind playing games. I don't know why am I feeling this way. It's not as if like I'm abandoning him, just for 11 days& I'm already like that omg. Indeed, I cannot be without Kayven baby T_T

Finally starting work tomorrow! More eager for pay day actually HAHAHA. Hwee& nanny coming over to accompany me though, I like! Going fix my hair& brows tomorrow instead of Sunday! Hopefully we're able to go BQ to drink on Saturday night too, omg I really miss that place. Been dinosaur years since I stepped in there. Shall leave Sunday for shopping! (Y)

2010-11-24T17:53:00.001+08:00

Taken on 18 Nov; Lil chocopie drinking milky

23 November 2010, Tuesday.
Mama woke me up @ 8am yesterday, sieh tired due to insomnia that I only manage to sleep for 5 hours, but luckily Junior's a good boy and slept through the night! (Y) First time know. Went PolyClinic with mama& BIL's girlfriend. Appointment 9.15am but we waited till 11am urgh. Took his weight only, &he's 4.4kg now! Fat babyboy! He was sleeping when having injection, so he just make noise awhile only& sleep back lol. Heard other babies continue carrying for mad long! Headed to ShanDing to eat aftermath& bused home! Sister came about 5+pm, &shes stayed for the night. Wanted to eat outside but Junior cranky so we just went to Elias to dabao food home to eat& was carrying Junior all the way. Seriously can train arm muscle! Junior cried @ 6am+, sister tried to wake me up but I can't open my eyes at all like previously. Too tired due to insomnia for past few days. So she tried coaxing Junior for an hour but to no avail. Finally 7.30am I manage to at least open my eyes& tell her to go make milk for Junior. But I was mumbling the instructions so she anyhow make -_- Supposed to be 3 scoops, she put 4 wtf.

24 November 2010, Wednesday.
Woke up about 12.30pm with cranky mood though. Sister left to E!hub to meet her boyfriend for lunch about 1pm+. Nanny came @ 4pm+ to accompany me& play with Kayven baby. Social worker from school came at 7pm, just nice Junior feeding time too. But she left soon& will come other day, becuz we're heading out for dinner @ DTE. Junior sieh smart, we just reached Justacia only, waiting for seats and he woke up. All thanks to him we didn't get to enjoy our food& unable to eat in peace! Jefftson was at DTE too, so he came over awhile. Finished eating& went to look for Jesslyn awhile as she was working. Walked back home aftermath.

It's already Wednesday today. Sending Junior to babysitter house tomorrow early noon, I'll really miss him manz. 11 days straight without him by my side :( But at least, I can really take a breather, relax, have time for myself& have a good rest especially! Need to pamper myself real soon if not my depression will get worse!

Saturday seems to be plan-less becuz Cass ain't free that day omg :( Nvm shall find other shopping partners! Can't wait for Sunday to fix our hair& trim brows! Deciding if I should perm my hair, just like dinner& R.O.M day that kind. Nice know, but will look mature. Also, I can't bear to part with my natural straight hair! How how how?! Decided to dye blonde& cut bangs though. Hehehe. But I still think I'll look funny with blonde hair tsk. Haven't even start work& I'm looking forward to pay day -_-

2010-11-22T15:39:00.003+08:00

Happy 20th Birthday, Jeffston! (Y)

Yesterday cass came over to my place first about 2+/3pm(?). Prepared& headed to Central with Kayven baby. I swear the stroller is fucking heavy, bringing up down the bus is worse. The fucking cheena bus uncle don't give bother to help at all, &everybody's literally staring at you until they alighted the bus. Feel like digging out their eyeballs. Anyway, ate @ Express first > Press money > Went around looking for angpao but to no avail. So we bought a birthday card& put money inside instead LOL. > Jeffston's house for his birthday celebration. It's pretty boring actually, did nothing there. &It's fucking hot in his house becuz there's many people omg. Sweating nonstop when I'm inside. Cut cake about 9+pm and we left aftermath. Went to pasamalam to walk, but having stroller is troublesome. So we didn't buy anything& walked home. wtf walked halfway& it's Junior's feeding time. So we've to carry him to coax him first till reach home. Carrying him makes me feel so much hotter I swear, sweat like free. Count as a form as exercise, need to lose fats manz! Reached home about 11pm. Cass left about 11.30pm or something. Super tired but insomnia last night urgh, slept about 4am+& woke up about 12.30pm. Not forgetting waking up in the middle of my sleep twice to feed Junior. But i realised the lesser I sleep, I actually don't feel so tired. Weird -_-

Time is passing so slow today becuz I've no plans. Wanted to head down to WhiteSands to look for any shops hiring, as well as having my dinner. But Junior turned cranky, so I've to deal with eating instant noodle. Can't even cook& eat in peace, he keeps screaming nonstop wanting me to carry him. Sucha naughty lil babyboy!! 2 more days of being stuck at home with Junior, but somehow I can't bear to leave him for 11 days. Though I know he'll be well taken of by babysitter, but I think I'm used to having him by my side everyday despite his irritating cries. Oh, &Hus left for Taiwan yesterday morning. Hopefully he'll be safe once he reach there, it takes 5 days of sailing to reach. So I think he's still happily enjoying doing nothing now lol. He haven't called me today though. I miss him :(

Sigh. Sometimes I don't even know what am I waiting for. You never once fail to disappoint me. I really don't know what to say. I need to quit mind fucking myself. Kbai.

2010-11-20T12:20:00.004+08:00

Happy 3rd wedding monthsary, Hus! (L)

Though you're annoying most of the time, but thank you for enduring for mood swings when I was pregnant. For understanding me. For being there always. For being such a good husband to me& daddy to Kayven baby. When we first met, I never knew you'd be so important to me. Thinking about it is kinda funny though HAHAH knvm love you deep deep. Also, I know that you'll worry about me while you're overseas. I promise to be good& come home everyday after work okay! Will only go out with my bbys during weekend okay! You've to promise me to call me everyday& come back in one piece okay! Not forgetting buying many pressiez for me! I want many NICE clothes, buy fugly kind I won't wear ah! Hehehe. Also, buy hello kitty& naise food back from Taiwan! I'll be waiting for you to come home! (Y)

Feel like heading town again today becuz I didn't shop enough yesterday! I wanna go wisma& Forever21 @ 313! As well as walking fareast again, yesterday we only shopped the first floor -_- I need to revamp my wardrobe! But I don't know what to do with those clothes that I'm not wearing it anymore, some I only wear once/twice. Super waste money. Hehehe. &I found this online! CUTE KNOW!! But I wonder it there's really such cigarrates, how'd taste like? hmmm.. Strawberry?! LOL

Anyway, guess this week will be a fast one anyway becuz:

Attending Jeffston's birthday tomorrow.
Monday no plans yet
Tuesday bring Junior for his jab.
Wednesday no plans again yet
Thursday busy day! Morning bringing Junior over to babysitter house& will only bring him home on 5/6dec. Appointment @ SlimFit 1pm. My check up @ KKH 4pm.
Friday start work!
Saturday& Sunday hanging out with my bbys.
Next Monday - Friday work work work! Can't wait for pay day!

Feel like going to tomorrow's event! Anybody wanna go?! Also, Any kind soul willing to help me look after Junior for a night? :\

2010-11-19T23:41:00.005+08:00

He didn't wear this out though becuz no matching hat!

Second little family outing is indeed great! Initially thought plans will be ruined, but it went well afterall. Hus woke up damn early& he's a mf. I was still sleeping and when Junior woke up for milky, he still happily use computer& ignore him urgh! Anyway, went to bath& prepare, again took suppa long but this time becuz Junior's cranky. Went out @ about 3.30pm, trained to Orchard. Lucky plaza to change money > Fareast shopping& eat. But only bought one shirt& shorts. Becuz my wedges heels spoil! damnit buy super glue stick back but still can't. So we went to hunt for new shoe! &Had kfc for dinner aftermath, was about 5.30/6pm already. > Walked to Robinsons. Since we had 80$ gift card, we counted as everything we bought there was free! But only bought hair dye+mascara+eyeliner+hus' perfume& shaver and 76.16$ gone :( Nothing to buy for Junior's so didn't. > Bought water > Trained home! But we stopped @ City Hall about 8.30pm, woke Junior up to change Junior's diapers& feed him milk first. He cranky till 10.30pm feed then sleep lol. Legs super sour I swear!! &My feet full of blisters! Fucking pain ok! Hus say that he wanna burst it for me, I literally scream at him LOL!

Something REALLY geh yan happened today. -_- While we're happily eating our KFC, one fat angmoh who's sitting alone at another table walked up to Hus& stood there looking at him. wtf scared me, I thought what he want. But here's the short "conversation" they had.

Angmoh: Enjoying your meal?
Hus: Ya!
Angmoh: Tasty?
Hus: Ya -_-
Angmoh: How'd you know?
Hus: -Ignore him-
Angmoh: -I didn't hear what he say but he walked off aftermath-

Fucking stupid I swear. When he asked "how'd you know?" I feel like telling him "he eating of course he know la, you stupid or what" Seriously -_- maximum. I think the angmoh nutcase, either he want find problem or he's mentally unsound. But when he stood there, I scared he flipped our KFC meal, if he really did that I'd scold& shout at him nonstop. HUNGRY KNOW!! As Junior was with us, Hus asked me to faster eat in case the siao lang came& disturb our darling or snatch him away or something lol. Stupidest thing that ever happened in my life manz.

Anyway, here's the photo of the stroller we bought for our darling! Together with the diaper bag. Didn't on flash that's why so dark..

And also, mama bought this "hole hole" thingy for Junior yesterday! I think he likes it, because whenever I move it, he'll stop crying. Hehehe.

(In chinese)
Hus asked: Why buy pink not blue?
She said: Your wife like pink ma, buy pink let her shuang
Me: LOL!

I'm so dreading for Sunday to come really. I hope time can stop tomorrow sigh T_T I don't want Hus to go taiwan for 2 weeks! I don't want pressiez anymore, just want him to be with me! Oh, &while shopping today. I saw 3 shops @ fareast hiring, one 5$/pair& 2 more 1.2k after cpf but both 6 days per week. Will be mad tiring& will be spending less time with Junior, so I'm still considering. Shall see how much is my current boss starting from second month onwards then decide. Popi 1.2k after cpf too!

2010-11-18T13:22:00.010+08:00

Finally I remembered to call up infant care center located @ Tampines, but damnit 600$+ manz. So I went online to search for all the childcare centers @ Pasir Ris and call those near by ones, even the cheapest is 585$/month, not including diapers milky etc. Not pinning hopes on those centers anymore, too expensive for me unless my pay is 2k LOL. Hwee's mum helped me found a bao mu that costs 450$, still slightly too high with my current pay though. Hus will be calling up his aunty to ask how much too, and we'll see who cheaper. I'm actually so mf stress about this. If only I'm rich........ -dreaming- tsk. But it's only till end of Dec/start of Jan, then see if Hus' godmom able to anot. If she can't, then we'll have to stick to either hwee's side/Hus' aunt. fly money fly lol.

Anyway, Hus is coming back later in the evening+no work tomorrow! Yay! But now I'm all alone becuz mama went out. I'm so bored naoz. &Hus put the stroller at a VERY stupid place, becuz I've no idea how I'm going to take it out. See where the arrows are pointing -_-

Hehehe. &I mentioned before that I wanna video down my tummy to see Junior's movements while he's still inside right?! Here is it! It's not obvious actually becuz he was moving slightly only, and I lazy to wait for him to move. So only have this pathetic one video. omg i miss his movements in tummy :<

Hopefully we'll have little family outing again tomorrow or Saturday! I like I like. Hehehe. Christmas is round the corner! One more month! Happy and unhappy at the same time, becuz can't go out to celebrate! Neither is Cass'bby gonna be in Singapore, stupid Gary steal her away from me. Unfair, I wanna go HongKong too! :( Will be "celebrating" at home with little family& my two lovelies, hwee& nanny! But I think it's gonna be boring. As well as new year countdown! Stay at home watch tv -_- Junior still small, can't bring him to crowded, noisy places if not he'll get scared& turned super cranky know! Sigh. And then.. Thinking about my 18th birthday in 4 months time, where should I celebrate?! Feel like having chalet or BBQ, but both places not suitable for Junior either. Fuck it. I'm not like Hus, I don't wanna spend my 18th just asking a few friends out sitsit talktalk and go home T_T I want it to be fun. I want many pressiez. I want to partyyy~

One last thing, GEO LENS @ 13$/pair WITH FREE LENS CASING! NEW 15MM!CLOSING NEXT WEDNESDAY(24th)! Visit http://geolens-x.blogspot.com/ for more info! Kbai

2010-11-17T23:52:00.003+08:00

1 month old; Junior (L)

Hus' came back in the morning today, again with my mcd breakfast deluxe! But by the time I woke to eat, cold already wtf. Hus took nap till 2.30pm, went to prepare& all. Took fucking long manz, we went out at about 4.30pm -_- Put junior inside carrier, but feel so unsafe becuz he was sleeping and his whole body nua LOL. Headed to Tampines, went to century sqaure's kiddy palace to buy his stroller first. Bought it in red colour, 139$ promotion price + free diaper bag worth 49.90$!(Shall upload photo of it soon) We took a long time choosing it though becuz there's a few others that we like but still ended up buying this. Nanny was at Tampines too, &came over to pass me back my lens as Bella'mommy wanted it. Dinner @ pizza hut with Hus, was already about 6pm.

Went to Toys'R'Us to look for my hola hoop& skipping rope but to no avail becuz Junior turned cranky too, so didn't find for it properly. Was supposed to go over Bella'mommy work place to pass her the lens, but as mentioned, Junior turned cranky so we didn't go over. After we settled him down, it's already almost 8pm. Hus ate mos burger as he was still hungry from pizza hut -_- Decided to do some grocery shoppping, bought 2 big packs of diapers + some tibits + milk + apple juice + cereal + instant noodle > bought bubble tea > Cabbed home! Short but great little family outing day! (Y)

Hus' going Taiwan this Sunday(21st) morning, which will be our monthsary too :( Don't know how am I going to survive 2 weeks without him manz, Junior& I will be missing him so much! Hopefully he buys many pressiez back for me, &not forgetting to call me everyday when he's there! Ohoh, good news! Hus' pass his test! Woohoo~ No duty for this month! Though will be only counted as for this week since he's not gonna be in Singapore, but at least we'll be able to spend weekend together! Yay happy little me! ^_^

P/S: HAPPY ONE MONTH OLD, KAYVEN BABY! Momma love you to bits! Also, it marks end of my confinement officially! Today's really a happy day!!! (L)

Kayven's 1st Month

2010-11-17T12:37:00.000+08:00

Junior 1st month progress:

Drinks 100-120ml of formula milk 2 hourly day time, 4 hourly night time
Need to sleep on tummy if not he'll wake up within 30 minutes
Love people attention& hate to be alone
Wants people to carry if not he'll scream till ceiling collapse
Still likes to frown alot
Knows when momma scolding him becuz he'll give kugua face LOL
Knows how to lift up his head& hold it there for quite long.
Still loves to kick nonstop
Likes to do funny faces and sounds
Will gaze at people when we're talking to him

Took second dose of Hepatitis B on 27/11/10. He whine awhile only, stop aftermath. Brave lil boy!

Weight: 4kg

2010-11-16T19:10:00.000+08:00

30 days old; botak boy!!

I feel like a bad momma because recently I keep cannot wake up to feed Junior for his early morning milky. I heard his cries but seriously my eyes can't open at all beause too tired! Most of the time of his 4am feed, I feed him until I fall asleep also so didn't burp him -_- This wouldn't happen if I took afternoon nap but tsk nvm. Anyway, mama woke me up @ 10.30am just now, went to bath& headed to Elias mall to have Junior's haircut! omg looking at the cheena cut my babyboy hair makes me worry. She looks so rough& I hate the sound of the shaver becuz its sounds pain lol. Bought chicken rice back home > mama bath Junior again > feed junior > eat > mama went out! Yupei came over with her babygirl(Zhining), suppa cute!! But when 2 babies cry together, the ceiling will collapse manz lol. Sister came over after she left though.

Luckily Hus changed his duty today instead of tomorrow, as it's public holiday! &Yes, for the first time we're going for little family outing! Will be heading to Tampines only, &I guess it wouldn't be for long. But first time know, explains my happiness& excitement for it! Hopefully mama buys stroller back today though! Also, tomorrow will be Junior's will be officially one month old& end of confinmenet for me! Woohoo~

Mommy offers to take care of Junior from next Thursday to Saturday, but she's going to church on Sunday& I need to bring him back. But I want to fix my hair& trim brows with Cass'bby on that day leyz tsk! Told hus& he say wait till he's back from Taiwan then he'll stay home& look after Junior while I can go with Cass. But need to wait for another 3 weeks omg!! :( Sigh, still figuring out how to find somebody to look after Junior when I'm at work. Hopefully Hwee's mom or Hus' auntie is able to& not charge me so high! I'm motherfucking broke ok urgh.

Can't wait for my check up next Thursday though, I wanna see my accurate weight! &Fucked up seriously. I can't believe my waist is 30"!! ZOMGWTFBBQ. Pre-preggo was 25" ok! I don't know how to lose all these fats away! Somebody save me. I tried doing sits up but only manage to do 15 instead of 50. Shiatz I feel like a weakling manz.

SHOPPING LIST FOR TMR:

Hula-hoop!
Skipping rope!
Slimming products - wraps&creams for arms, thighs& tummy!

Ohoh, &I finally remembered to call SlimFit yesterday! Appointment for stretchmarks removal next Thursday 1pm! Can't wait can't wait! Hopefully it doesn't cheat money if not I sue them. HAHAHA kbai.

2010-11-15T14:52:00.003+08:00

I'VE GOT SOMETHING UNHAPPY TO RANT ABOUT AGAIN! ANOTHER FUCKED UP MATTER. URGGGH!! Kayven baby was supposed to be under the care of Hus' godmum when I'm out to work, but now last minute she say she can't because her sister& family will be staying at her place till late December, when their flat finish renovating then they'll move back. Thought she'll be able to take care of Kayven by January then, but NO. Her sister might be going to work, and will be leaving her 3 kids under her care. WTF why so unfair?! We agreed to letting Hus' godmum take care of Kayven first, but why her sister get the priority?! Seriously pissed, cannot do it then don't tell me you can yet last minute say cannot. 11 more days to working, where the fuck am I going to find people to take care of Kayven?! I HATE ADULTS. If only I can bring Junior to work, I'd be able to look after him myself. Though it'd be troublesome&motherfucking tiring but it's the best way to not rely on anybody uh huh. Sigh, but I think boss will fire me if I do that lol. Perhaps once in awhile can, but everyday fat hope manz. No work = No income = DIE

AHHH! My plans for 27th drinking with lovlies& fixing hair and trimming brows on the 28th will be ruined then! FML FML FML.

At the same time when I was feeling annoyed awhile ago, Junior's became cranky! Keep crying& screaming for attention making me double pekcek. Shouted at him, and I feel so bad naoz :( Sorry darling, momma loves you.

Hus' having duty+taking test tomorrow, really hope he'll pass! omg can't wait for him to tell me good news tomorrow hehehe. Luckily mama's off tomorrow though, we'll be bringing Junior to cut his hair! Gonna be botak boy soon! :( Papa even say wanna shave away his brows wtf! No no no, my poor darling. Doubt mama will be buying stroller for Junior before this coming Saturday, because she asked Hus'&I to go see ourselves this weekend. No stroller = wouldn't be able to attend Jeffston's birthday on Saturday then. hmmmm kbai

2010-11-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

I wanna rant about something that I'm damn unhappy about know!! urgh see my eyes in the picture above?! Suppa love the brown 14.8mm lens which I've just opened but just what! Last night I gei kiang off the light before taking out my lens, now one side lost! Don't know where the fuck it dropped to! Find all over but to no avail! SUPER PISSED I SWEAR. Luckily I still another new unopened gray lens if not I think I'll die for having no contact lens, but will open only when I start work/when my new brown lens arrive. Now I'm temporary wearing one side of the black 14mm, my eyes looks funny though. Left side brown+bigger, right side black+smaller = imagine yourself LOL

Hus had duty today, gonna be sleeping alone again :( Hope he pass his test on Tuesday so he wouldn't have duty anymore for this month! But he'd have duty on that day tsk. Anyway, Jeffston Joel& Nestor came over about 5.30pm to visit Junior but he was sleeping. Jeffston wanted to wait till he wakes up so he can carry but they still left before that. But funny, after they left not long, Junior woke up for milky! HAHAH, unlucky manz. Mommy came over at 6/6pm+, and left about 9.30pm. Hopefully Junior don't wake up every 2 hourly tonight, I'm dead tired!

Times you really make me feel that I've married to a wrong guy, &it's this that I've regretted, not about marrying young. You make me want to be a single momma instead. You make me feel like moving out of here and back to my parents. You make me feel that even if Junior's fatherless& without a complete family, it'd be perfectly fine too. You make me feel so super annoyed at times that I really don't wanna bother anymore, and I really wish to walk out of you. But no I can't, something's holding me back yet I don't know what is it.

There's always so much left unsaid. But what's the point when it doesn't matter as it wouldn't change anything. I really hate getting disappointed, shouldn't have anticapated. A part of me wish we can be back like before, but no. I've never believed in marriage as the only reason a family would stay together, wasn't love but responsibilites. So many times I wish I can run away, so far away to start afresh. Yet being a momma makes me realised so much, that you're willing to give up everything for your little one. Especially being patient with him though I get so fed up at times. &Also that I haven't been a good daughter to my parents. :(

Still, I'll keep up to my own promise. I'll be a good to everybody, and prove to anyone of you that look down of me wrong! I swear with my life even though I get emotional now and then, but I know I need to stay strong for my little family. (Y) Kbai.

2010-11-13T16:15:00.004+08:00

Junior's outfit for the evening!

Stupid bb head so big cannot fit into my camera HAHAHA

Top left - right: Agnes Cassandra Evania Zed

Bottom left - right: Shaojun Ying Baba

Before opening the presents..

Tada!!

If only my birthday I receive as much presents as Kayven.. tsk so unfair :(

Junior's baby shower today!! Food came early, 5pm but took 30 minutes to set up. Went to bath and packed up the room aftermath. Waited for people to come but most came later than 6pm except for Hus' big auntie& husband. Cass, Hwee& Nanny came the latest! Was busy running up and down the place, suppa hawt. But the house wasn't as full as expected. Didn't manage to take much photos becuz was SUPPA busy. Hus didn't bother about me helping me lo, asshole. Only entertained his friends and relatives and leave with with the rest tsk. Talk to him also ignore me, annoying much. Anyway, all slowly went home but Cass, Hwee, Nanny and Dennis stayed till late. Nothing much though, but appreciated those who've came! Thanks lovely people, for the ang baos& presents. &There's so much leftover food omg! Mama don't need to cook for few days already lol.

Actually thought I'd be ultra happy today, but not really :( Never mind. Happy full month, Junior! Momma love you to bits, except hate it alot when you cry& scream nonstop. Hehehe.

P/S: Sorry for all the poor qualities of the photos becuz it was taken with my phone.